This seems like it shocks the shit out of him. It's so simple, but it really feels like he gets hit by a train. The confusion he had before disappears as things click into place.]
You-- [He exhales, raising his free hand to rub his fingers over the sockets of his eyes.] Friends can love each other too, Ryo.
You kept... What is the point when you're just going to go back?
[ ryo has truly spent this entire goddamn time under the impression that akira knew oh my god.
his expression sours even more. ]
I don't expect anything to happen between us, Akira. It's been pretty clear that you don't feel the same way.
[ it's why he was fine with them having sex, since he knew another opportunity to be close like that with him wouldn't come up again. ]
I just couldn't help becoming annoyed watching the two of you. So, I wanted to confirm if you were a thing so that I'll know when not to pay attention. That's all. I don't think that's unusual.
Ryo really just continues to take pot shots at him while he's down. His hand peels away from his face, and he stares down, exasperated.]
Stop. We're not--we're not a thing. I didn't even realize until the party. [Much like he did not realize Ryo meant love not in the friendly way.] How am I supposed to feel the same way when you kept saying friends?
When you didn't answer me when I asked you to stay because you're going back?
[ ryo: i know you don't like me akira: i don't like you ryo: how can you say that to me
ryo finally moves to get away, sitting up and backing away so that he won't be under him anymore. ]
Because we are friends. And I told you-- I need to kill God. It's something I understood since I realized what I am. It's the only way to guarantee that it'll turn out okay. God isn't going to leave me alone, Akira.
[ he's rambling at this point, he goes to stand. ]
I think I originally wanted you at my side for that. But I realize that's not possible now. You've always been the most important person in the world to me, but I wasn't yours. And I never will be. So just... never mind.
[A part of him wants to grab Ryo, but he doesn't. Instead, he sits back on his heels and stares exasperatedly up at Ryo.]
That's... You can't say that. Ryo! Don't tell me you weren't important to me! You are important. If you weren't important, don't you think I would have tried killing you already, knowing what you're planning? That I would have told someone what you did!
[Ryo is really gonna stand there and blame him.]
You can't kill God and make things okay, Ryo! God only tried to destroy you because They were killing the demons, and you were siding with them! Don't do this, Ryo.
[ ryo can understand akira siding with humans, as much as ryo disagrees with it. akira, despite being devilman, at the end of the day still is a human, and has strong attachments to other humans even if the majority of them are shitty shitty people. but god? that's the main antagonist of our series, akira..... ]
Even when I was just living with the demons, doing nothing, God still attacked me. It was then that I realized that no matter what, God was going to watch me. Like right now, I'm sure it's fine because I don't actually want to be here-- but if I decide that I want to stay in hell, do you think God would be okay with it if it's my actual choice instead of only a punishment?
[ he turns away from akira and looks up at the projected stars on the ceiling. he isn't quite sure what he's looking for, but he thinks that he'll get more agitated if he looks at akira right now. ]
I know that you were told all your life that God is merciful, and kind, but that's not true. I know that you think I'm terrible, but God is worse than I am. The only difference is that it doesn't affect you, so you refuse to see it.
[The accusation makes him look hurt, and then Ryo turns away from him. He digs his fingers into the flesh of his thighs, frustrated.]
I'm not siding with God, Ryo. [He's very sure of his stance on all this still, but the attempts to convince Ryo feel... hopeless. His throat is going to be splintered raw before there is ever any chance in him getting through.] God isn't going to change. God will always destroy the demons and anyone standing with them.
You won't win, Ryo. Don't do it, don't go after God. I can't let you do it over and over again. Support the demons, kill the humans, get destroyed. Isn't this place supposed to be your "domain"? Why is giving the earth to the demons more important to you than me if I'm so important at all?
Why can't I reach you? This isn't what I meant when I said it was up to you.
ryo, in the end, really isn't that loyal to the demons. he likes them, and they're useful, and he does think it's bullshit that they have to be destroyed in favor of the humans. the main thing though is that he just hates human much more than he likes demons, and the fact that everyone is so willing to throw aside an entire race for the other angers him more. what is it about humans, that they're always the ones that are protected?
but... this is why he's been willing to at least entertain the idea of a compromise. of maybe simply just separating them, even though it doesn't give him exactly what he wants at the end. it's better than nothing, right? but the fact is that he still cannot be absolutely certain that god won't come in at the end and fuck it over. this uncertainty will never stop making him paranoid. ]
I did tell you I'll consider your proposal. I even talked about it with Bloody Mary. [ does not elaborate on what the conversation entailed. ] I don't think we'll ever understand each other's views on this.
[ he finally looks back over to him. ]
I don't think that any of this means I don't love you. My situation is just complicated, Akira. Even if I agree to what you're saying and do what you want, you still haven't even acknowledged that I could be right and might still get fucked over.
I-- [His jaw clenches gently.] I don't know shit about God, Ryo. How could I? I don't know what God would or wouldn't do... but I don't think God really wants you to not be happy.
[Which just comes with a price. Obey. Serve me, and I will allow you to be happy.]
It won't work, [he says very suddenly, returning Ryo's look.] Making other worlds. This Satan said the only deal is a second chance, that he even has to look into going to another world.
It's just that or nothing, Ryo. That's all we have. If you go back, you will probably be fighting God on your own.
[ the look of utter and complete disbelief that ryo gives akira when he says he doesn't think god wants him to be unhappy could probably kill god actually. ]
I really think you should just listen to me when I tell you that God hates me.
[ but he isn't sure what to do on that argument now besides waiting for god to just strike him down as proof. ]
But fine. I'm wrong and am just misunderstanding the situation then. We stay here and nothing bad happens other than being in hell. What do you do next, Akira?
[They are truly unstoppable force meets immovable object here. His expression sours sadly.]
I don't know the answer to that yet. This is what's here. I would just... keep going like this for however long. Maybe... I would be like them. I can just work to help other people have a second chance.
[ ryo doesn't think they need to make anything right but he'll keep that to himself!! it's fine!! "please stop being an asshole about ending the world" no
well, none of this information is too surprising. it also makes sense that akira might want to try being a personal demon, even if the idea seems exhausting. ]
Okay. [ he doesn't say what his opinion on that is. just okay. ] Next-- I would like for you to formally reject my confession. We need to get that out of the way before anything else.
[he's already been a personal demon you little bitch you manipulated him into working for your goals what's trading one satan for another one
His brows furrow. The conundrum is he's never had any opportunity to try things differently with Ryo. But, also, being here, being around other people more closely, has made him think about... all the things Ryo doesn't give him, the way Ryo treats him. And he thinks about those right now. The things he isn't sure whether or not he can hold against Ryo, knowing Ryo is simply who he is.
Isn't love about loving someone for who they are? But where does he draw the line between what Ryo can't give him and won't give him?]
If I do, you know that doesn't mean I don't care about you, right? Tell me you aren't going to think it means I don't care.
[ there's a pained edge to his voice. he already knows the answer going by what this comment is, so it seems kind of cruel to just prolong it. ]
I never thought you would see me that way. There's a reason why I said I don't care if there's a girl, since if I'm honest, I thought you were heterosexual. Especially considering the only times you expressed even a little interest in me was when I looked feminine. And, admittedly, those moments did make me happy.
[ it gave him the smallest flicker of hope, which was stupid. ]
So, it's important to me that you kill that happiness for me right now so that I won't feel it again. You'll still be my best friend. Just say it.
[Wow. Wow, okay. So God is the bad guy, and now he is also going to have to be the bad guy. Like he was the bad guy to Scaramouche. Like he was the bad guy to Lavi. Like he was the bad guy for the humans. When he was the bad guy for Miki when he wasn't fast enough.
Okay. If he has to be the one to blame. Okay.
Slowly, with his head hanging, he unfolds himself off his heels and knees, off the floor and into a stand. He grits his teeth, lifts his head.]
I don't want to be with you that way, Ryo, [he says confidently since he's making a decision for himself now.] But not because you aren't a girl. I don't care about that. I've seen you when you weren't either, when you were both.
It's because I'm human, and you never tried to give me what made me happy. I want to be loved, Ryo. I want to be hugged and touched. I want to be told. I want it without having to ask for it. I thought I could help you change and understand, but nothing I ever say or do reaches you.
Don't say I'm the most important thing to you when that isn't true. The most important thing to you is getting back at God.
[ well. he listens to all of it, and he keep his expression neutral through it. when akira reaches the end, though, there's a brief flash of something on his features before it goes back to his usual thin frown.
ryo doesn't reply, and just lays back down on the ground. closes his eyes like he's ready to sleep. he finally smiles. ]
[It'd have been better if Ryo fought back, got mad. Now he has all of this boiling, angry emotion lodged in his throat, unable to escape. There isn't any outlet to scream or fight, not when it's cut and done. Energy ripples under his skin, itching to be released, but nothing happens on the surface at all.
He stands there and quivers in rage and hurt, wanting to say anything and knowing it won't matter.
So he turns bitterly away and moves somewhere else in the shadows of the planetarium to sit and wait.]
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no subject
This seems like it shocks the shit out of him. It's so simple, but it really feels like he gets hit by a train. The confusion he had before disappears as things click into place.]
You-- [He exhales, raising his free hand to rub his fingers over the sockets of his eyes.] Friends can love each other too, Ryo.
You kept... What is the point when you're just going to go back?
no subject
his expression sours even more. ]
I don't expect anything to happen between us, Akira. It's been pretty clear that you don't feel the same way.
[ it's why he was fine with them having sex, since he knew another opportunity to be close like that with him wouldn't come up again. ]
I just couldn't help becoming annoyed watching the two of you. So, I wanted to confirm if you were a thing so that I'll know when not to pay attention. That's all. I don't think that's unusual.
no subject
Ryo really just continues to take pot shots at him while he's down. His hand peels away from his face, and he stares down, exasperated.]
Stop. We're not--we're not a thing. I didn't even realize until the party. [Much like he did not realize Ryo meant love not in the friendly way.] How am I supposed to feel the same way when you kept saying friends?
When you didn't answer me when I asked you to stay because you're going back?
no subject
akira: i don't like you
ryo: how can you say that to me
ryo finally moves to get away, sitting up and backing away so that he won't be under him anymore. ]
Because we are friends. And I told you-- I need to kill God. It's something I understood since I realized what I am. It's the only way to guarantee that it'll turn out okay. God isn't going to leave me alone, Akira.
[ he's rambling at this point, he goes to stand. ]
I think I originally wanted you at my side for that. But I realize that's not possible now. You've always been the most important person in the world to me, but I wasn't yours. And I never will be. So just... never mind.
no subject
That's... You can't say that. Ryo! Don't tell me you weren't important to me! You are important. If you weren't important, don't you think I would have tried killing you already, knowing what you're planning? That I would have told someone what you did!
[Ryo is really gonna stand there and blame him.]
You can't kill God and make things okay, Ryo! God only tried to destroy you because They were killing the demons, and you were siding with them! Don't do this, Ryo.
no subject
You're really siding with God on this?
[ ryo can understand akira siding with humans, as much as ryo disagrees with it. akira, despite being devilman, at the end of the day still is a human, and has strong attachments to other humans even if the majority of them are shitty shitty people. but god? that's the main antagonist of our series, akira..... ]
Even when I was just living with the demons, doing nothing, God still attacked me. It was then that I realized that no matter what, God was going to watch me. Like right now, I'm sure it's fine because I don't actually want to be here-- but if I decide that I want to stay in hell, do you think God would be okay with it if it's my actual choice instead of only a punishment?
[ he turns away from akira and looks up at the projected stars on the ceiling. he isn't quite sure what he's looking for, but he thinks that he'll get more agitated if he looks at akira right now. ]
I know that you were told all your life that God is merciful, and kind, but that's not true. I know that you think I'm terrible, but God is worse than I am. The only difference is that it doesn't affect you, so you refuse to see it.
no subject
I'm not siding with God, Ryo. [He's very sure of his stance on all this still, but the attempts to convince Ryo feel... hopeless. His throat is going to be splintered raw before there is ever any chance in him getting through.] God isn't going to change. God will always destroy the demons and anyone standing with them.
You won't win, Ryo. Don't do it, don't go after God. I can't let you do it over and over again. Support the demons, kill the humans, get destroyed. Isn't this place supposed to be your "domain"? Why is giving the earth to the demons more important to you than me if I'm so important at all?
Why can't I reach you? This isn't what I meant when I said it was up to you.
no subject
ryo, in the end, really isn't that loyal to the demons. he likes them, and they're useful, and he does think it's bullshit that they have to be destroyed in favor of the humans. the main thing though is that he just hates human much more than he likes demons, and the fact that everyone is so willing to throw aside an entire race for the other angers him more. what is it about humans, that they're always the ones that are protected?
but... this is why he's been willing to at least entertain the idea of a compromise. of maybe simply just separating them, even though it doesn't give him exactly what he wants at the end. it's better than nothing, right? but the fact is that he still cannot be absolutely certain that god won't come in at the end and fuck it over. this uncertainty will never stop making him paranoid. ]
I did tell you I'll consider your proposal. I even talked about it with Bloody Mary. [ does not elaborate on what the conversation entailed. ] I don't think we'll ever understand each other's views on this.
[ he finally looks back over to him. ]
I don't think that any of this means I don't love you. My situation is just complicated, Akira. Even if I agree to what you're saying and do what you want, you still haven't even acknowledged that I could be right and might still get fucked over.
no subject
I-- [His jaw clenches gently.] I don't know shit about God, Ryo. How could I? I don't know what God would or wouldn't do... but I don't think God really wants you to not be happy.
[Which just comes with a price. Obey. Serve me, and I will allow you to be happy.]
It won't work, [he says very suddenly, returning Ryo's look.] Making other worlds. This Satan said the only deal is a second chance, that he even has to look into going to another world.
It's just that or nothing, Ryo. That's all we have. If you go back, you will probably be fighting God on your own.
no subject
I really think you should just listen to me when I tell you that God hates me.
[ but he isn't sure what to do on that argument now besides waiting for god to just strike him down as proof. ]
But fine. I'm wrong and am just misunderstanding the situation then. We stay here and nothing bad happens other than being in hell. What do you do next, Akira?
no subject
I don't know the answer to that yet. This is what's here. I would just... keep going like this for however long. Maybe... I would be like them. I can just work to help other people have a second chance.
Maybe later we'll find a way to make it right.
no subject
well, none of this information is too surprising. it also makes sense that akira might want to try being a personal demon, even if the idea seems exhausting. ]
Okay. [ he doesn't say what his opinion on that is. just okay. ] Next-- I would like for you to formally reject my confession. We need to get that out of the way before anything else.
no subject
His brows furrow. The conundrum is he's never had any opportunity to try things differently with Ryo. But, also, being here, being around other people more closely, has made him think about... all the things Ryo doesn't give him, the way Ryo treats him. And he thinks about those right now. The things he isn't sure whether or not he can hold against Ryo, knowing Ryo is simply who he is.
Isn't love about loving someone for who they are? But where does he draw the line between what Ryo can't give him and won't give him?]
If I do, you know that doesn't mean I don't care about you, right? Tell me you aren't going to think it means I don't care.
no subject
[ there's a pained edge to his voice. he already knows the answer going by what this comment is, so it seems kind of cruel to just prolong it. ]
I never thought you would see me that way. There's a reason why I said I don't care if there's a girl, since if I'm honest, I thought you were heterosexual. Especially considering the only times you expressed even a little interest in me was when I looked feminine. And, admittedly, those moments did make me happy.
[ it gave him the smallest flicker of hope, which was stupid. ]
So, it's important to me that you kill that happiness for me right now so that I won't feel it again. You'll still be my best friend. Just say it.
no subject
Okay. If he has to be the one to blame. Okay.
Slowly, with his head hanging, he unfolds himself off his heels and knees, off the floor and into a stand. He grits his teeth, lifts his head.]
I don't want to be with you that way, Ryo, [he says confidently since he's making a decision for himself now.] But not because you aren't a girl. I don't care about that. I've seen you when you weren't either, when you were both.
It's because I'm human, and you never tried to give me what made me happy. I want to be loved, Ryo. I want to be hugged and touched. I want to be told. I want it without having to ask for it. I thought I could help you change and understand, but nothing I ever say or do reaches you.
Don't say I'm the most important thing to you when that isn't true. The most important thing to you is getting back at God.
no subject
ryo doesn't reply, and just lays back down on the ground. closes his eyes like he's ready to sleep. he finally smiles. ]
Good luck with whatever you decide to do.
no subject
He stands there and quivers in rage and hurt, wanting to say anything and knowing it won't matter.
So he turns bitterly away and moves somewhere else in the shadows of the planetarium to sit and wait.]