I do need to make sure Itto doesn't actually steal my bed.
[ the chances of someone being shot is so high.
instead, he just looks at akira. ]
But I do want to say something before I do that. I've been thinking about the last thing you said to me the other day, and some of it was bullshit. You said I never touch or hold you, but I did. All the time. Just because someone else might do it more, doesn't mean I never did. And you said that killing God is the most important thing to me. You're wrong, and I know you'll never believe this, and I'll have to live with that. God terrifies me, Akira. I can't explain that kind of fear without you meeting God yourself.
[ the idea of making the ultimate being hate you so much and that the only way to end it is by killing god. such an impossible feat. ]
But then I was faced with something even more terrifying. It was the realization that you don't actually need me at all. [ it was very funny, since just a few days ago ryo very confidently said he was finally secure in what their relationship was. ] You'll be fine without me, even if you might be sad for a little while.
[ he takes a few steps back. ]
I suppose my point is, I can concede that my love isn't what you want. But never try to tell me that it is less than it is. Goodbye, Akira.
[Honestly, he looks like he's been slapped, and he sits there stupidly while Ryo rips into him. There is so much he wants to clarify here, but Ryo is already leaving.]
Ryo--
[He twists, scrambling to his feet. He only takes one hesitant step forward.]
[If he says anything else, he thinks... it might start another of their many arguments. If he tries to clarify the details, they'll just argue again, drifting further apart.
So instead, he says,] I do need you, Ryo, [in the most earnest way.]
I do need you! No one else understands what I am. No one else knows what it was like where we came from. You're the only one who really understands.
[He stands there for a second or two, not moving, still surprised Ryo has hugged him. Maybe a little concerned Ryo will suddenly change, will hurt him.
But when nothing happens, his arms lift to entwine Ryo’s form, to hug Ryo so tightly to himself. He presses the bottom half of his face into Ryo’s shoulder.
He does miss Ryo somehow, for some bizarre reason, after everything. It feels like he tore a piece of himself out, but there are still little pieces of the good left in the wound, not letting it heal.]
Don’t be scared, [he murmurs.] It’ll be okay. Don’t be afraid.
[ well, the return of the hug is also a surprise. ryo doesn't think akira even considers them friends at this point. and that's part of the problem, because no matter what they say to each other, something else happens that won't let that seed of doubt go away. instead, it festers more and more.
somehow this is more punishing than actual hell itself.
after a while, ryo will shift to remove himself from the embrace, stepping back. ]
Sorry.
[ for what? he does not elaborate what the apology is for. ]
[More tears have appeared to stream down his face when Ryo pulls back. He doesn’t seem surprised or bothered by them. He can feel Ryo hurting. He can feel Ryo crying.
His mouth opens slightly. Ryo apologized…? He doesn’t know why, only that Ryo has said sorry, and no matter what it’s for actually, he is desperate enough to cling to the fact he got one at all. Like it’s a beacon of change.
He reaches out to clutch the sleeve of Ryo’s coat.]
You’re my best friend, Ryo. I want you to be happy. More than anyone. I don’t want you to hurt anymore. I’m not going to leave you behind.
[ he is also not surprised by the tears, if anything he's a little exasperated by them. like, of course you'd end up crying. like clockwork! akira your heart is too big.
his gaze falls down onto akira's hand and stays there. ]
I did say our fates are intertwined.
[ even though he is less and less certain of what exactly that means anymore. maybe it's no longer about sharing the same fate, and something else. who knows. ]
You need to wash your face. You look ridiculous.
[ he's just going to. use the sleeve of his free arm to wipe at akira's face like he's a toddler. ]
[ wow he looks worse now. ryo doesn't comment on this because if he does not, it means it's not his fault. this is basically how he has lived his life actually now that i think about it.
he isn't sure if he believes no one else will see it simply because there's a chance he might cry again. ]
I guess not...
[ ryo falls quiet after. it's that lil awkward moment where you just had a(nother) very dramatic moment with someone, and aren't sure where to go from there. he's not trying to leave anymore, at least. ]
No one will see it right now. This one. Nevermind the other ones, okay.
He tugs the arm down by the sleeve, but still hangs onto it like a child. He uses his other forearm to rub over his face briefly. This is how they’ve always been, standing together while he cries, holding onto Ryo.]
he doesn't hug him again, since that feels like more contact than is allowed now. ryo thinks about all the things that they probably can't do anymore together, and there's a surge of anger at it being taken away but it fizzles out quickly.
it's fine. he'll deal with it. akira was never really his. ]
[Which could be all the little things here, which could be for himself, his perceived failures. For crying, for feeling. For being human, for wanting the fulfillment humans do. It could be for the bigger things Ryo doesn’t want to talk about ever:
love, and not love, and physical love, and a love that transcends all other love, or even God’s love, and the lack of God’s love too. For a world that fears and shuns Satan who has all the qualities of an epic hero, but who is ultimately selfish in a pursuit to be free of subservient shackles every single human understands when they think about destiny.
Ryo doesn’t hug him, but after a long moment, he reaches out to pull Ryo to him again, hugging him around the neck and shoulders.]
[ this thread is them walking three feet and then hugging
but he leans into him, with slight hesitance, but that goes away soon enough. they've had so many arguments since arriving here, always so circular because they could never come up with something that would satisfy them both. and ryo doesn't think they're there quite yet, but... it at least feels a little better than a few days ago. ]
Of course. That was the plan since the start, right?
[ they've never settled on what will happen after. but they still have the tiniest bit of time until then, and ryo will hold onto it so tightly. he's always been possessive, after all. ]
It's fine. He's hugging Ryo because he both does and doesn't want to hug Ryo. So much about Ryo frustrates the hell out of him, yet here he is, caring a good god damn about this shitty boy anyway.]
Yeah... If we get there, we can figure it out. If we can win. We're almost there, Ryo. It's almost over.
He loosens his arms and leans back so he can look Ryo in the face, frowning gently. You caused a trial to happen........]
It's all almost finished, Ryo. We'll get to the party and see what it's like. Maybe it'll be different than what we expect. We won't know until we try, and if we've made it this far... there's no point in not going.
[ hm, yeah that is a concern. everything they've been doing for the past few weeks, besides the weekend, have been rather random that it makes it difficult to figure out what the party is going to be like. or how the drinking contest is meant to be set up? ]
Honestly, it would be pretty embarrassing to trip at the finish line at this point.
[He thinks for a long moment about how he wants to respond. Finally, he says:]
I want you there with me.
[Because this week has made him confident in a great many things, but when it all boils down past the gnarled, scarred and scabbed skin, beneath the surface he does want Ryo to be happy. And even if he's considered several times whether or not he might have to take Ryo out, he thinks this might be the only way for Ryo to be happy.
Not that he wants to think about the rest of the sacrifices that'll come from this.]
[ unfortunately, it does make him happy. akira might be able to feel that his mouth curls up a bit, because sadly this is like the one thing that is easy to please ryo for.
generally, he isn't sure how they even managed to make it this far. if scaramouche hadn't also killed last week and mixed up their evidence, there's a good chance that ryo would have gotten caught. and, in general, he's also surprised that akira hadn't tried to kill him yet. there's still so much they haven't said. akira still has never mentioned miki's head is his item. ]
I'll be with you as long as you want me there, Akira.
So many people have told him to talk to Ryo about things, and yet here he is, electing to only talk to Ryo about the worst things--like humanity, like God, like the other him--in the worst ways. It's fine. Ryo doesn't have to know about Miki's head because he's too scared Ryo will try getting rid of it.
Just like he's sure Ryo will not hesitate to shoot Kaoru.]
[ the hilarity of ryo knowing about the head because he snooped and is literally now just waiting to see if akira will ever admit to having it. this is so stupid.
but the words are nice. ryo still isn't sure how much he can actually believe them, but at least for right now he tries to set the gnawing doubt and paranoia away in favor of being with his friend.
he's quiet for a moment. ]
I know that you were confused because I kept calling us friends. But that's because, more than anything, you're my best friend, Akira. Don't forget that.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[ the chances of someone being shot is so high.
instead, he just looks at akira. ]
But I do want to say something before I do that. I've been thinking about the last thing you said to me the other day, and some of it was bullshit. You said I never touch or hold you, but I did. All the time. Just because someone else might do it more, doesn't mean I never did. And you said that killing God is the most important thing to me. You're wrong, and I know you'll never believe this, and I'll have to live with that. God terrifies me, Akira. I can't explain that kind of fear without you meeting God yourself.
[ the idea of making the ultimate being hate you so much and that the only way to end it is by killing god. such an impossible feat. ]
But then I was faced with something even more terrifying. It was the realization that you don't actually need me at all. [ it was very funny, since just a few days ago ryo very confidently said he was finally secure in what their relationship was. ] You'll be fine without me, even if you might be sad for a little while.
[ he takes a few steps back. ]
I suppose my point is, I can concede that my love isn't what you want. But never try to tell me that it is less than it is. Goodbye, Akira.
no subject
Ryo--
[He twists, scrambling to his feet. He only takes one hesitant step forward.]
Ryo, wait!
no subject
unfortunately, he still does. ryo doesn't look back, but he hovers uncertainly in place. ]
Hm?
no subject
So instead, he says,] I do need you, Ryo, [in the most earnest way.]
I do need you! No one else understands what I am. No one else knows what it was like where we came from. You're the only one who really understands.
no subject
ryo rubs at his face, tired. ]
Okay. I need you, too.
[ sometimes you need someone so much that your ultimate punishment is simply losing them again and again. ]
no subject
Do you hate me, Ryo?
[He is very confident in his idea that Ryo now despises him for what he has done and said.]
Do you not…
[But he doesn’t finish.]
no subject
at the question, though, ryo just sighs deeply, like he can't believe akira said that. he turns around, sharply, and walks back over. ]
Are you listening to me, Akira? I can never hate you.
[ he can hate the people around him, and choices he makes, and what they've become.
when he gets to akira, he hugs him, tightly. he buries his face in his shoulder. ]
I just don't know what we are anymore.
no subject
[He stands there for a second or two, not moving, still surprised Ryo has hugged him. Maybe a little concerned Ryo will suddenly change, will hurt him.
But when nothing happens, his arms lift to entwine Ryo’s form, to hug Ryo so tightly to himself. He presses the bottom half of his face into Ryo’s shoulder.
He does miss Ryo somehow, for some bizarre reason, after everything. It feels like he tore a piece of himself out, but there are still little pieces of the good left in the wound, not letting it heal.]
Don’t be scared, [he murmurs.] It’ll be okay. Don’t be afraid.
no subject
somehow this is more punishing than actual hell itself.
after a while, ryo will shift to remove himself from the embrace, stepping back. ]
Sorry.
[ for what? he does not elaborate what the apology is for. ]
no subject
His mouth opens slightly. Ryo apologized…? He doesn’t know why, only that Ryo has said sorry, and no matter what it’s for actually, he is desperate enough to cling to the fact he got one at all. Like it’s a beacon of change.
He reaches out to clutch the sleeve of Ryo’s coat.]
You’re my best friend, Ryo. I want you to be happy. More than anyone. I don’t want you to hurt anymore. I’m not going to leave you behind.
no subject
his gaze falls down onto akira's hand and stays there. ]
I did say our fates are intertwined.
[ even though he is less and less certain of what exactly that means anymore. maybe it's no longer about sharing the same fate, and something else. who knows. ]
You need to wash your face. You look ridiculous.
[ he's just going to. use the sleeve of his free arm to wipe at akira's face like he's a toddler. ]
no subject
The fingers loosen in the coat and instead clutch onto the wiping sleeve without pulling it away. Thank you for smearing his tears around.]
I’ll wash it later. No one is seeing it anyway.
no subject
he isn't sure if he believes no one else will see it simply because there's a chance he might cry again. ]
I guess not...
[ ryo falls quiet after. it's that lil awkward moment where you just had a(nother) very dramatic moment with someone, and aren't sure where to go from there. he's not trying to leave anymore, at least. ]
no subject
No one will see it right now. This one. Nevermind the other ones, okay.
He tugs the arm down by the sleeve, but still hangs onto it like a child. He uses his other forearm to rub over his face briefly. This is how they’ve always been, standing together while he cries, holding onto Ryo.]
Sorry, Ryo.
no subject
[ what a crybaby
he doesn't hug him again, since that feels like more contact than is allowed now. ryo thinks about all the things that they probably can't do anymore together, and there's a surge of anger at it being taken away but it fizzles out quickly.
it's fine. he'll deal with it. akira was never really his. ]
It's nothing I've never seen before.
no subject
[Which could be all the little things here, which could be for himself, his perceived failures. For crying, for feeling. For being human, for wanting the fulfillment humans do. It could be for the bigger things Ryo doesn’t want to talk about ever:
love, and not love, and physical love, and a love that transcends all other love, or even God’s love, and the lack of God’s love too. For a world that fears and shuns Satan who has all the qualities of an epic hero, but who is ultimately selfish in a pursuit to be free of subservient shackles every single human understands when they think about destiny.
Ryo doesn’t hug him, but after a long moment, he reaches out to pull Ryo to him again, hugging him around the neck and shoulders.]
Get to the end with me, Ryo. You will, right?
no subject
but he leans into him, with slight hesitance, but that goes away soon enough. they've had so many arguments since arriving here, always so circular because they could never come up with something that would satisfy them both. and ryo doesn't think they're there quite yet, but... it at least feels a little better than a few days ago. ]
Of course. That was the plan since the start, right?
[ they've never settled on what will happen after. but they still have the tiniest bit of time until then, and ryo will hold onto it so tightly. he's always been possessive, after all. ]
You and I.
no subject
It's fine. He's hugging Ryo because he both does and doesn't want to hug Ryo. So much about Ryo frustrates the hell out of him, yet here he is, caring a good god damn about this shitty boy anyway.]
Yeah... If we get there, we can figure it out. If we can win. We're almost there, Ryo. It's almost over.
no subject
he just nods against him. ]
I'm ready to never do another trial again.
[ truly the most exhausting experience "you made a trial happen" so exhausting. ]
It'll be nice when it's over with.
no subject
He loosens his arms and leans back so he can look Ryo in the face, frowning gently. You caused a trial to happen........]
It's all almost finished, Ryo. We'll get to the party and see what it's like. Maybe it'll be different than what we expect. We won't know until we try, and if we've made it this far... there's no point in not going.
no subject
Honestly, it would be pretty embarrassing to trip at the finish line at this point.
no subject
I want you there with me.
[Because this week has made him confident in a great many things, but when it all boils down past the gnarled, scarred and scabbed skin, beneath the surface he does want Ryo to be happy. And even if he's considered several times whether or not he might have to take Ryo out, he thinks this might be the only way for Ryo to be happy.
Not that he wants to think about the rest of the sacrifices that'll come from this.]
At the end.
no subject
generally, he isn't sure how they even managed to make it this far. if scaramouche hadn't also killed last week and mixed up their evidence, there's a good chance that ryo would have gotten caught. and, in general, he's also surprised that akira hadn't tried to kill him yet. there's still so much they haven't said. akira still has never mentioned miki's head is his item. ]
I'll be with you as long as you want me there, Akira.
no subject
So many people have told him to talk to Ryo about things, and yet here he is, electing to only talk to Ryo about the worst things--like humanity, like God, like the other him--in the worst ways. It's fine. Ryo doesn't have to know about Miki's head because he's too scared Ryo will try getting rid of it.
Just like he's sure Ryo will not hesitate to shoot Kaoru.]
If you aren't there, there's no point.
no subject
but the words are nice. ryo still isn't sure how much he can actually believe them, but at least for right now he tries to set the gnawing doubt and paranoia away in favor of being with his friend.
he's quiet for a moment. ]
I know that you were confused because I kept calling us friends. But that's because, more than anything, you're my best friend, Akira. Don't forget that.
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)