[ despite how much touching they've done this week, he's still startled by the hug. he wishes he wasn't surprised. hugging had been so very natural before for them.
there are so many things he wants though. he wants god dead. he wants humans gone. he wants to leave hell. but with all of these things, he will lose akira in the process of achieving it. and the thing is, ryo knows that if he really has to, he can kill akira. except he would also regret it for the rest of his life.
he thinks of the memory he saw of akira's, of when he died. of ryo's own voice talking, and growing fainter and fainter as akira's conscious faded away. ryo knows how that other him reacted. he didn't really understand before, but he does now. ]
I want you. [ ... ] But I know that's not what you want.
[ and it kills him, to feel something so intensely only for it to be unrequited.
for it to not be the right kind of love, because ryo can never be someone normal and good and kind. ]
[It's okay. He holds Ryo to himself, brushing his hand along the nape of Ryo's neck.
Despite his efforts to break free of Ryo's thorns, he can still see some of the roses. It hurts him to hurt Ryo, to feel Ryo's hurt inside himself. He tightens his arms, curling his fingers into the back of Ryo's neck. Hot water wells up in his eyes. So far, there haven't been too many times were he's sobbed; he's just cried.
But now, he drops his face into Ryo's shoulder and he sobs. He does it not really because he's sad and suffering, but because Ryo is the one who can't.]
and it really is the final confirmation that he needs. having touch week the week right after you've been rejected is extremely confusing, for the record, as it leads to so many mixed signals.
ryo doesn't raise his arms to hug akira back, but he leans into his hold. they have a week left. they'll probably never see each other again. because even if ryo decides to go back home, it wouldn't be the same. ryo will love every akira, but he's formed such a specific attachment to this one that he'll never have with another because of their shared experiences here.
[For a minute, he’s not sure if he will ever stop. He’s not sure if he’ll ever stop crying, but he finally does, and he hasn’t let go of Ryo the whole time.
It takes longer for him to find his voice somewhere in the hoarseness.]
I’m sorry, Ryo, [he croaks.] I tried to get you to stay, I tried to… I tried to be with you, but I couldn’t seem to change your mind. So I moved on because I was sure you’d be okay going back to the me you left.
[ honestly that is very fair, considering ryo wasn't even sure of what he was going to do until very recently. until it was too late. which is how it usually goes for him, even if he doesn't quite understand that yet.
(ryo does not think it's fair, but his opinion does not matter when it comes to being objective. or ever, actually.)
he doesn't say anything at first. when he finally does, it's barely a whisper. ]
[He’s not sure what answer would hurt Ryo more. Maybe if he lies, it would be easier for Ryo to accept.
But some part of him twists still at the idea of Ryo abandoning even existence at the failure. It’d feel like his fault.
Why? Because of how things played out yet again, and he couldn’t love Ryo enough? Why does it hurt so badly when you can’t make someone happy?]
The way you wanted? …Yeah, I did. [He has never been much of a liar, except to spare Miki. For Ryo’s benefit.] I thought it was useless being angry at what happened if we were dead.
he squeezes his eyes shut, and he wonders briefly what was even the point of coming here, of getting through all of the trials and making it to the last week without dying again. there isn't one. it probably would have been better to get caught when he killed childe. ]
[His arms tighten every so slightly around Ryo, like he thinks if he lets go, Ryo will simply disappear. He doesn't want Ryo to give up even though the odds are stacked.]
Not that way. I love you, but as my best friend. I get it... if that isn't enough. I wish it was. I wish what I have now could be enough for you. I want you to have a second chance.
[ it would be enough if it could still let them stay together.
but it's not. as long as akira goes with the twins, ryo can't be with him, even if it's only as friends. even if ryo doesn't do anything to them like he let akira have miki, he knows it wouldn't work in the long run, now that ryo has a better understanding of himself. and even he's aware that asking akira not to go isn't going to work either. it'll probably cause more resentment from ryo trying to control akira's life again. maybe eventual hatred, which they've already been balancing on the edge of for weeks. ]
Why does it hurt so much, Akira? I want it to stop.
[Hopelessly, he doesn't know what to do to make it stop for Ryo. He holds Ryo so tight to himself, brushes his hand over the back of Ryo's neck.]
I know, [he whispers.] I know it hurts. [He's known how much it hurts so well, as someone who feels everything so immensely.] That's...
That's love, Ryo. I'm sorry. [As if he could stop love.] That's what love is. When you were telling me... it didn't exist. It does. It's the greatest thing and the worst thing. It heals, and it hurts.
he opens his eye, blinking away something caught in it. all he can really think of is what was the point of this? it would have been easier if he never realized anything at all. maybe he wouldn't feel this way? ]
[His voice isn't angry. It's... worried, no, maybe scared, airy. He loosens his arms only to reach farther around Ryo. He fiddles with something, leans his head just enough away from Ryo's along the shoulder.
Ryo will feel a little pinch as the clamp of the pearl earring fastens onto one of his ears.]
Come with me to the party. Let's see what happens, okay? You can't give up. I'm still waiting on you back home. I know we had a fight, but... I'm still there.
[He puts his hands on Ryo's neck where they meet the shoulders and leans back so he can look Ryo in the face.]
[ but nothing's going to change. everyone already knows about the demons, even if ryo hadn't betrayed akira yet, and it's all going to go downhill. god is going to notice what's happening and attack. they'll die. it's what akira had been warning him of this entire time and he kept ignoring him.
it's funny how things have been reversed actually. before it was ryo saying they should just wait and see while akira insisted it wouldn't work.
the expression on his face is almost panicked, lost. the only time he's ever looked like this, akira had died before he could see it. ]
... party. Right.
[ that's what they had promised before. at least make it to the party together. he can ignore everything else until then. ]
He is fucking shocked after leaning back. Ryo's face... It's not even the emotion that's there, but that, too. It's... His mouth opens slightly. He freezes, hesitant. Slowly, he raises one hand, but it hovers too by Ryo's face. Unsure. Maybe he's losing his mind.
No, he can't be. He knows what this is more than anyone else.]
Ryo... you're...
[Very tenderly, very carefully, he touches the skin beneath Ryo's eyes with the tips of his fingers, brushing. Feeling. Wet?]
[ it's said in the same tone that he did when they were young, like he really can't comprehend what akira is talking about? maybe akira is the one who got punched very hard instead and is imagining things??
he raises his own hand to his face. why is it wet. ]
[No, binch. He knows exactly what tears look like, and these are definitely tears. He moves his hand a bit away so he can rub his fingers together. These... are tears.]
No, it... I made you... cry...
[No, no, no. Out of all the times, why now? Why would he make Ryo cry this way? It isn't happiness. He doesn't even know if Ryo would ever even cry from happiness. His hand quivers, and he clenches his jaw. Not like this.
He puts both hands on Ryo's face and uses his thumbs to try gently wiping the wetness away.]
If I tell you something, will you promise not to consider it until there isn't any other option left?
[ thinks about how this is happening and then icly the next day ryo gets propositioned by belial
he's still sort of just, not quite believing that he is actually crying and is just going to accept that his body is breaking down in some sort of other weird way. maybe he's dying? ]
What is it...? [ ah, wait. ] I promise.
[ he has no idea what he is actually promising but it does not really matter anymore at this point. ]
Don't just accept your body is breaking. He hates this. THESE ARE TEARS. He does not want Ryo to cry, it hurts him. That's what he was always for. That's... what he was for! To cry because Ryo couldn't...]
Promise me, Ryo. Don't, not until the party, until we see what happens. Don't give up. [He'll die.] If... If you... stay here, but it's too much... Wednesday said she is looking for a way to make sure no one suffers here for eternity.
I don't want you to do that, but... if she ever finds a way. She'll help you. But don't give up, okay? You can go back to any time, to before. You can go back as far as you want. Satan said that was true.
[ ryo is wondering how far back he has to go to kill god, which would probably cause other problems entirely since it may mean certain things would no longer exist. it's fine.
he stares at akira for a moment, and then just presses his face on his shoulder. he notes that the spot soon becomes wet, and he still tries to deny that it's because of him. ]
... okay.
[ he isn't sure what part of this he's agreeing to. ]
He wraps both arms around Ryo's shoulders, cradling Ryo against himself. He holds him, angry at how things unfolded, at the way they had become, at himself, at whatever fate has kept him from helping someone who needed the most help out of anyone.
His fingers card through the back of Ryo's hair; he doesn't know if Ryo understands comfort, but he thinks Ryo does somewhere deep down.]
...I'm gonna save you this time, Ryo. I'm gonna do what I can to save you.
[ he doesn't say anything for a long moment. when he does speak, he tries to keep his voice as even as he can. ]
You don't have to do anything for me. Don't worry about me.
[ he knows that this is probably an impossible ask-- maybe. ryo isn't sure anymore, considering just a few weeks ago he was so very confident that they'd always be together. ]
You can be open about your relationship. I don't care. None of that matters anymore.
I told you not to tell me what to do. I'm doing it if I can. You're still my friend. You can give up one me if you want. But I'm not giving up on you.
[He frowns, resting his forehead down on Ryo's shoulder.]
There's no relationship. I don't know what the future will be. I might even have to go back. I want them to go home. They might have to go alone.
If I went with them and you could go, would you hurt the humans?
[He doesn't know if Ryo would even take this kind of offer, much less if the twins would allow it, or if it would ruin their world too. It might. But he's just curious what Ryo will say.]
I'm never going to care for humanity. [ he wants to make that clear, before saying anything else. ] But if God or demons aren't there, there's not much point.
[ in any case, he's pretty sure that humanity will eventually destroy themselves on their own anyway. in his eyes, all ryo did was speed things up. ]
And I've spent enough time here to know that I can at least tolerate them.
[ ryo would not call anyone else here a friend but
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there are so many things he wants though. he wants god dead. he wants humans gone. he wants to leave hell. but with all of these things, he will lose akira in the process of achieving it. and the thing is, ryo knows that if he really has to, he can kill akira. except he would also regret it for the rest of his life.
he thinks of the memory he saw of akira's, of when he died. of ryo's own voice talking, and growing fainter and fainter as akira's conscious faded away. ryo knows how that other him reacted. he didn't really understand before, but he does now. ]
I want you. [ ... ] But I know that's not what you want.
[ and it kills him, to feel something so intensely only for it to be unrequited.
for it to not be the right kind of love, because ryo can never be someone normal and good and kind. ]
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Despite his efforts to break free of Ryo's thorns, he can still see some of the roses. It hurts him to hurt Ryo, to feel Ryo's hurt inside himself. He tightens his arms, curling his fingers into the back of Ryo's neck. Hot water wells up in his eyes. So far, there haven't been too many times were he's sobbed; he's just cried.
But now, he drops his face into Ryo's shoulder and he sobs. He does it not really because he's sad and suffering, but because Ryo is the one who can't.]
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and it really is the final confirmation that he needs. having touch week the week right after you've been rejected is extremely confusing, for the record, as it leads to so many mixed signals.
ryo doesn't raise his arms to hug akira back, but he leans into his hold. they have a week left. they'll probably never see each other again. because even if ryo decides to go back home, it wouldn't be the same. ryo will love every akira, but he's formed such a specific attachment to this one that he'll never have with another because of their shared experiences here.
he continues to stare at the fake stars. ]
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It takes longer for him to find his voice somewhere in the hoarseness.]
I’m sorry, Ryo, [he croaks.] I tried to get you to stay, I tried to… I tried to be with you, but I couldn’t seem to change your mind. So I moved on because I was sure you’d be okay going back to the me you left.
I didn’t know because you would never tell me.
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(ryo does not think it's fair, but his opinion does not matter when it comes to being objective. or ever, actually.)
he doesn't say anything at first. when he finally does, it's barely a whisper. ]
Did you ever love me?
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But some part of him twists still at the idea of Ryo abandoning even existence at the failure. It’d feel like his fault.
Why? Because of how things played out yet again, and he couldn’t love Ryo enough? Why does it hurt so badly when you can’t make someone happy?]
The way you wanted? …Yeah, I did. [He has never been much of a liar, except to spare Miki. For Ryo’s benefit.] I thought it was useless being angry at what happened if we were dead.
So I had tried to love you instead.
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he squeezes his eyes shut, and he wonders briefly what was even the point of coming here, of getting through all of the trials and making it to the last week without dying again. there isn't one. it probably would have been better to get caught when he killed childe. ]
But not anymore?
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Not that way. I love you, but as my best friend. I get it... if that isn't enough. I wish it was. I wish what I have now could be enough for you. I want you to have a second chance.
I'd always want you to have a second chance.
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but it's not. as long as akira goes with the twins, ryo can't be with him, even if it's only as friends. even if ryo doesn't do anything to them like he let akira have miki, he knows it wouldn't work in the long run, now that ryo has a better understanding of himself. and even he's aware that asking akira not to go isn't going to work either. it'll probably cause more resentment from ryo trying to control akira's life again. maybe eventual hatred, which they've already been balancing on the edge of for weeks. ]
Why does it hurt so much, Akira? I want it to stop.
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I know, [he whispers.] I know it hurts. [He's known how much it hurts so well, as someone who feels everything so immensely.] That's...
That's love, Ryo. I'm sorry. [As if he could stop love.] That's what love is. When you were telling me... it didn't exist. It does. It's the greatest thing and the worst thing. It heals, and it hurts.
Love is... probably even more powerful than God?
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he opens his eye, blinking away something caught in it. all he can really think of is what was the point of this? it would have been easier if he never realized anything at all. maybe he wouldn't feel this way? ]
I don't think I can go on like this.
[ he'll just figure out how to make it stop. ]
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[His voice isn't angry. It's... worried, no, maybe scared, airy. He loosens his arms only to reach farther around Ryo. He fiddles with something, leans his head just enough away from Ryo's along the shoulder.
Ryo will feel a little pinch as the clamp of the pearl earring fastens onto one of his ears.]
Come with me to the party. Let's see what happens, okay? You can't give up. I'm still waiting on you back home. I know we had a fight, but... I'm still there.
[He puts his hands on Ryo's neck where they meet the shoulders and leans back so he can look Ryo in the face.]
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it's funny how things have been reversed actually. before it was ryo saying they should just wait and see while akira insisted it wouldn't work.
the expression on his face is almost panicked, lost. the only time he's ever looked like this, akira had died before he could see it. ]
... party. Right.
[ that's what they had promised before. at least make it to the party together. he can ignore everything else until then. ]
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He is fucking shocked after leaning back. Ryo's face... It's not even the emotion that's there, but that, too. It's... His mouth opens slightly. He freezes, hesitant. Slowly, he raises one hand, but it hovers too by Ryo's face. Unsure. Maybe he's losing his mind.
No, he can't be. He knows what this is more than anyone else.]
Ryo... you're...
[Very tenderly, very carefully, he touches the skin beneath Ryo's eyes with the tips of his fingers, brushing. Feeling. Wet?]
You're crying...
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[ it's said in the same tone that he did when they were young, like he really can't comprehend what akira is talking about? maybe akira is the one who got punched very hard instead and is imagining things??
he raises his own hand to his face. why is it wet. ]
Is something broken?
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No, it... I made you... cry...
[No, no, no. Out of all the times, why now? Why would he make Ryo cry this way? It isn't happiness. He doesn't even know if Ryo would ever even cry from happiness. His hand quivers, and he clenches his jaw. Not like this.
He puts both hands on Ryo's face and uses his thumbs to try gently wiping the wetness away.]
If I tell you something, will you promise not to consider it until there isn't any other option left?
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he's still sort of just, not quite believing that he is actually crying and is just going to accept that his body is breaking down in some sort of other weird way. maybe he's dying? ]
What is it...? [ ah, wait. ] I promise.
[ he has no idea what he is actually promising but it does not really matter anymore at this point. ]
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Don't just accept your body is breaking. He hates this. THESE ARE TEARS. He does not want Ryo to cry, it hurts him. That's what he was always for. That's... what he was for! To cry because Ryo couldn't...]
Promise me, Ryo. Don't, not until the party, until we see what happens. Don't give up. [He'll die.] If... If you... stay here, but it's too much... Wednesday said she is looking for a way to make sure no one suffers here for eternity.
I don't want you to do that, but... if she ever finds a way. She'll help you. But don't give up, okay? You can go back to any time, to before. You can go back as far as you want. Satan said that was true.
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he stares at akira for a moment, and then just presses his face on his shoulder. he notes that the spot soon becomes wet, and he still tries to deny that it's because of him. ]
... okay.
[ he isn't sure what part of this he's agreeing to. ]
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He wraps both arms around Ryo's shoulders, cradling Ryo against himself. He holds him, angry at how things unfolded, at the way they had become, at himself, at whatever fate has kept him from helping someone who needed the most help out of anyone.
His fingers card through the back of Ryo's hair; he doesn't know if Ryo understands comfort, but he thinks Ryo does somewhere deep down.]
...I'm gonna save you this time, Ryo. I'm gonna do what I can to save you.
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You don't have to do anything for me. Don't worry about me.
[ he knows that this is probably an impossible ask-- maybe. ryo isn't sure anymore, considering just a few weeks ago he was so very confident that they'd always be together. ]
You can be open about your relationship. I don't care. None of that matters anymore.
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[He frowns, resting his forehead down on Ryo's shoulder.]
There's no relationship. I don't know what the future will be. I might even have to go back. I want them to go home. They might have to go alone.
If I went with them and you could go, would you hurt the humans?
[He doesn't know if Ryo would even take this kind of offer, much less if the twins would allow it, or if it would ruin their world too. It might. But he's just curious what Ryo will say.]
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[ and even if he was, he does not know how long he would even last before it gets too much for him.
he sighs, and shifts enough just so he can wipe at his face. ]
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[He sort of loosens his arms a tad so Ryo can move, but he doesn't take them away.]
Would you? Or if you had a world with me... with no demons and no God, but there were humans. Would you hurt them?
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[ in any case, he's pretty sure that humanity will eventually destroy themselves on their own anyway. in his eyes, all ryo did was speed things up. ]
And I've spent enough time here to know that I can at least tolerate them.
[ ryo would not call anyone else here a friend but
he has learned to Tolerate. ]
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