[He just looks at Ryo, wondering if maybe he should keep going. In a way, everything seems to stack up for him being the problem. Somehow, he is always the one causing Ryo a lot of grief, he thinks.]
I can’t.
[He really expected this to go differently. Like, maybe they would hug, and say kind things, and come to an understanding. When has that ever been a thing for them.]
[ he really should have just let akira leave because he doesn't know what to do here. there is so much distance that it's unbearable, and it's not even just the physical kind. ]
I wanted to be with you. [ not in sixty years when there's no one else left, or on short visits. ] I love you.
[ as a friend, as a lover, as something a little more twisted and codependent. it's not the first time ryo has said this to him but it seems like it'll probably be the last. he can't really bring himself to move forward in fear that he won't ever actually reach him. ]
[He stands there with the tears pouring over; it doesn’t feel like they’re going to stop. The jagged edge of whatever is coming into him is so painful and raw, amplified over his own terrible feelings.
Ryo doesn’t move, and the lack of it feels like every other time he has wanted the confirmation there was a reason to move for him. The whole discord of trying to use his brain instead of his heart to look at how Ryo was as a person, trying to offer Ryo the baton for it to fall onto the ground.
Maybe that was his downfall. He didn’t do what he said. He didn’t listen to his heart about Ryo at first.
How did they get here? he wonders. What did he do wrong to get them here at this agonizing place when he has only ever told anyone else he wanted Ryo to be happy, and then they told him he should be happy too.]
I’m where you put me, Ryo.
[It isn’t a blame exactly, just a statement. He is here at the end if the dock because Ryo kept closing him off again and again in some unintentional way.]
I kept trying to reach you, and you would step back more and more. [Ryo wanted him to follow, but he wanted Ryo to meet him halfway.] I waited on you… I waited for you to give me back what I gave you, but I never saw it.
[ he wants to argue against it. it's what they usually do, argue against each other's viewpoints until they hit a wall and decide to push it to another time. and they kept doing it again and again, and ryo realizes that they've only just pushed themselves to the edge of a cliff.
he wishes god was here to just end it. ]
I... [ how does he respond to that? his mouth closes again, as he struggles to find any kind of rebuttal, any last saving grace he might have here. but there's nothing. ] Akira--
[ "and i doubt he'd go anywhere without you."
but he is. not just physically, to a faraway place, but on the inside too. ryo has been so stuck in one spot, too stubborn to move and scared of all the changes around them. but akira changed and changed, because he's a human and that's what they do-- grow along with the people around them. that's what humanity is. a collective of experiences that help you turn into something new.
it's a little dazzling to see. it only destroys ryo a little more. ]
I tried. It just wasn't enough.
[ he looks to the ground. there was growth, such very confusing growth, but he wasn't able to catch up. you can't run along someone if they're already at the finish line by the time you start moving. ]
[He turns away, but doesn’t move forward. The idea that Ryo doesn’t want to see him tomorrow, which lead to this whole terrible thing now, roots him to the spot. It’s the end.
They’re together on a broken piece of nothing left under the stars, and it’s the end.
He’s human enough to just finally accept the fact Ryo didn’t come to him, but he is too human to not do what it is in his nature to do. To care about people.
The claws of his feet creak the dock as he turns and heads back to Ryo, slow and steady. When he gets to Ryo, he dwarfs him considerably, so he crouches down in front. Ryo’s shoulders are swallowed up in two large, clawed hands, and he pulls Ryo into his stomach and his chest. If he wanted, he could snap Ryo like a branch so easily, but his hold is so tender.]
If you can find a reason to keep existing so I’ll always know you aren’t gone from my heart for good, I’ll be happy.
[ he's a little stunned that akira came back. but of course he did. he's akira.
ryo holds onto him, but his grip isn't soft. he digs in as tightly as he can, like he's scared that if he loosens it even a little that akira will simply disappear in front of him. he will disappear. a surge of panic hits ryo, and all he wants to do is go back. please let them go back. please let them do this over. please, please--
but they can't. he can feel water forming at his eyes and, this time, he isn't as confused about what they are. ]
Just tell me to live. Please. Just demand it, Akira.
[ like ryo demanded so many things of him until it became too much for akira to bear. ]
[It feels wrong, so he hesitates. It feels wrong to do such a thing to Ryo after he spent so much time here hearing from everyone else it was wrong. All the people who inadvertently slid the wedge between them, pointing out Ryo’s bad qualities when he struggled against how much his heart wanted to love Ryo.
He didn’t want to use his brain; he didn’t want to rationalize this sick and strange love in those boxes because he knew—he knows—Ryo isn’t human. That’s what he said every time. Ryo isn’t human! Ryo is not like them, or him! But they told him Ryo was wrong. They told him to live for himself, to not support someone else’s happiness like it was his own responsibility.
It feels ugly to force Ryo to live when Ryo is unhappy.
He tightens his hold, letting Ryo latch into him. The tears he had been crying earlier have stopped, dried up. They hadn’t been for him anyway. They never were.]
Live, Ryo, [he murmurs, being selfish for once and feeling guilty for it.] Please live. Keep living. For me.
I don’t want you to disappear. I don’t want you to go. I don’t want you to be how I left you on that rock. Alone.
[ akira might feel bad about it but it is, really, what ryo wants. he spent weeks unsure if akira hated him; and then a brief period where he thought that maybe he loved him back in the way he wanted, and then he never really felt sure about anything ever since.
a part of him had been hoping akira would have told him not to do it as soon as ryo brought it up. it was just another way to self-harm, he supposes, because akira has given up on arguing with him a long time ago. which is also ryo's fault for never budging.
he holds onto akira more tightly and sobs. ]
I won't. I'm sorry, I won't. [ his voice cracks ] Please be happy.
[ he tries to think if he ever gave akira that, at least. any small measure of happiness and he isn't sure, actually. it just makes him cry harder. ]
[Every sliver of frustration and anger drains out of him immediately. He doesn’t think… Ryo has ever said these words to him. Sorry. He doesn’t think Ryo has ever told him sorry in a way like this.
It hurts him so badly. He wanted all of this so long ago, so much sooner. To know Ryo felt anything, to hear Ryo was sorry, to hear Ryo wanted him to be happy in a way that didn’t seem superficial. He wished he had known how real it actually was for Ryo sooner.
His arms encase Ryo tightly, and he curls Ryo up into his chest as he stands. He holds Ryo in his hands and arms while Ryo cries.
The emotions evaporate, and his body begins to change again: shrinking, losing the fur and claws and fangs, the wings. Until he is just Akira, still holding on, still supporting Ryo before the weight is a little much, and he sinks to the ground with them both.]
Thank you for always being with me, Ryo. Even when it seems like too much.
I never thanked you for all the things you did do for me.
[ ryo wonders why akira is thanking him for giving him trauma....
he doesn't react to the transformation, instead just shifting his hold so that it adapts to holding onto akira instead of devilman. he wonders how akira can do this all the time, crying. he doesn't think that he will be able to do this any more after this. but he probably won't have another reason to.
ryo doesn't respond right away, and only does after the tears subsides enough that his voice is less shaky. ]
[He gently squeezes Ryo into him, something that is a pathetic attempt to be reassuring. Without shifting them, he reaches one hand back to put it on the side of Ryo's face, and he uses his thumb to try brushing the wetness off the cheek.]
I should have thanked you more, so you'd maybe understand. [How to be gracious and appreciative.] I should have reached for you more. I shouldn't have given up on trying.
[So he could show Ryo the kindness and strength of humans he touted about. So he wouldn't be yet another line in the tally of humans betraying things not human.]
it's funny, sitting here at the end of it all and just thinking back at everything and trying to figure out what could have been done differently. there's a lot, but he has no idea that all of akira's friends were telling him that ryo was awful, and that probably added a time limit for change that would not have been there before.
he goes quiet for a moment. ]
You were the best friend anyone could have, Akira.
That's just because of who you are, like you said.
[So many people told him Ryo was awful which was both a hard pill to swallow and mean. He really didn't think they understood the difference, but he also couldn't deny some of Ryo's bad behaviors, some of the things they found out Ryo had done to him.]
I've been your only best friend, Ryo.
[Now isn't the time for any teasing, but it's slightly teasing. In a lot of things, Ryo had been his only frame of reference which was very funny. Now he has been Ryo's only frame of reference too.]
[ mostly because if akira had never found ryo that day, ryo would probably be a far worse person than he is now. imagine a world where ryo asuka never learned what love is but was still satan.
his tears are drying up. he doesn't really have much of them, anyway. ]
I think... [ he pauses, trying to think of what to say. ] Do you know why I brought you to the Sabbath party?
[Don't scowl, please go back to crying. He does not want Ryo to cry at all, it hurts him, but he refuses the scowl. It's fine, he can't see it.]
To... have Amon possess me?
[It's funny, the reason he knows this isn't because he found out here. He still would have had no idea. But Ryo did tell him, as Satan, a reason it was done.]
...So I would survive the end of the world and be at your side.
[And now he has immense doubts about existing alongside normal people like Kaoru and Hikaru. Ryo has cursed him with a kind of immortality; taking it away would remove his strength, his body. He'd be the old Akira.
And the funny thing about the old Akira is Kaoru would have probably never paid any attention to him at first because of how he looked. But Ryo didn't care about things like that.]
Mm... But, you know, I didn't realize I was doing that at the time.
[ there are a lot of things that have never been clarified between them, and the mountain of misunderstandings and secrets might now never have a chance of becoming smaller. all the things that they said they would discuss later, and now here they are. it's later. it's as late as it ever will be.
but, ryo figures, there's one thing he can maybe try to clarify. ]
I didn't take you there with the intention to do that. Well-- I suppose I did. Me, as Satan. It was like a subconscious desire that I wasn't really aware was happening, until I looked back at it later on with some distance. So, I guess I just want to say that... I wasn't intentionally trying to trick you, Akira.
[ like. it was still his plan, but he was not aware it was his plan because sometimes your inner satan has ideas of their own that you are too amnesia'd to be aware of.
but since this is what started everything between them, the first step they took on the road to hell, ryo decides he want to explain. ]
[He would not have understood that if he was not from the place in time he came, after Ryo had explained things to him. If Ryo had not explained he didn't remember.] It's okay, [he murmurs. It should not be okay. He should really not accept this; however, out of anyone else, he is the one who understands how victimized Ryo has been by fate.]
I forgive you, Ryo.
[He probably should not do this either considering, but... again, he is the one person who knows about Ryo. Who is... empathetic enough to offer that maybe.]
[ he is not really expecting forgiveness. but these are just thing they never talk about, and now they're likely never going to get to talk about them.
and, mostly, he wants to stall. once akira leaves that's likely it for them (ignores interdimensional travel). but there's only really so long they can sit here before akira will have to go and do something else. ]
[He does not say he has to because it's true, he does not have to forgive Ryo. But it feels like he is being held captive by his anger and frustration when, really, none of it matters for him anymore.
He leans back so he can look Ryo in the face even if he doesn't want to do that since it will make it harder to do any of this. His arms stay around Ryo's shoulders.]
[ his face probably still looks like shit because he was crying, but at least the tears stopped. at the very least, this will probably be the last time he cries, so that's good (for him). ]
Mm.
[ he still doesn't know what else to say. there's the growing need to be possessive and never let go, but he doesn't want to make akira mad. again. it's weird, since not wanting to upset akira is a generally new thing that concerns him when ryo as a person typically does not care who he upsets. things to have learned weeks ago. ]
... do you have to go?
[ he means, to go talk to other people, specifically ]
[It does, but that's okay. Friends don't judge other friend's ugly crying face. He reaches up to put both hands on the side of Ryo's cheeks, using his thumbs to wipe at the wetness.
He opens his mouth, then closes it. He knows he should probably just leave, and he knows he thought this whole ordeal was because Ryo was wanting him to hurry up and say goodbye.]
I can stay for a little while. I thought... you wanted me to say goodbye and leave.
[ he didn't mean right that second, which is why he panicked when akira immediately started to leave. this is so stupid. all of their problems is because they misunderstand each other every other thread. ]
[DON'T LAUGH. His face gets kind of red, both because he's embarrassed and because, well, he can't just TURN OFF the part of his brain that is shocked when Ryo laughs and it isn't sardonically.]
Ryo. I didn't know...! I thought you were mad and wanted it over with...
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I can’t.
[He really expected this to go differently. Like, maybe they would hug, and say kind things, and come to an understanding. When has that ever been a thing for them.]
I’m not the one crying.
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I wanted to be with you. [ not in sixty years when there's no one else left, or on short visits. ] I love you.
[ as a friend, as a lover, as something a little more twisted and codependent. it's not the first time ryo has said this to him but it seems like it'll probably be the last. he can't really bring himself to move forward in fear that he won't ever actually reach him. ]
You're so far away, Akira.
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Ryo doesn’t move, and the lack of it feels like every other time he has wanted the confirmation there was a reason to move for him. The whole discord of trying to use his brain instead of his heart to look at how Ryo was as a person, trying to offer Ryo the baton for it to fall onto the ground.
Maybe that was his downfall. He didn’t do what he said. He didn’t listen to his heart about Ryo at first.
How did they get here? he wonders. What did he do wrong to get them here at this agonizing place when he has only ever told anyone else he wanted Ryo to be happy, and then they told him he should be happy too.]
I’m where you put me, Ryo.
[It isn’t a blame exactly, just a statement. He is here at the end if the dock because Ryo kept closing him off again and again in some unintentional way.]
I kept trying to reach you, and you would step back more and more. [Ryo wanted him to follow, but he wanted Ryo to meet him halfway.] I waited on you… I waited for you to give me back what I gave you, but I never saw it.
You were always so far away from me, Ryo.
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he wishes god was here to just end it. ]
I... [ how does he respond to that? his mouth closes again, as he struggles to find any kind of rebuttal, any last saving grace he might have here. but there's nothing. ] Akira--
[ "and i doubt he'd go anywhere without you."
but he is. not just physically, to a faraway place, but on the inside too. ryo has been so stuck in one spot, too stubborn to move and scared of all the changes around them. but akira changed and changed, because he's a human and that's what they do-- grow along with the people around them. that's what humanity is. a collective of experiences that help you turn into something new.
it's a little dazzling to see. it only destroys ryo a little more. ]
I tried. It just wasn't enough.
[ he looks to the ground. there was growth, such very confusing growth, but he wasn't able to catch up. you can't run along someone if they're already at the finish line by the time you start moving. ]
I hope you'll be happy.
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They’re together on a broken piece of nothing left under the stars, and it’s the end.
He’s human enough to just finally accept the fact Ryo didn’t come to him, but he is too human to not do what it is in his nature to do. To care about people.
The claws of his feet creak the dock as he turns and heads back to Ryo, slow and steady. When he gets to Ryo, he dwarfs him considerably, so he crouches down in front. Ryo’s shoulders are swallowed up in two large, clawed hands, and he pulls Ryo into his stomach and his chest. If he wanted, he could snap Ryo like a branch so easily, but his hold is so tender.]
If you can find a reason to keep existing so I’ll always know you aren’t gone from my heart for good, I’ll be happy.
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ryo holds onto him, but his grip isn't soft. he digs in as tightly as he can, like he's scared that if he loosens it even a little that akira will simply disappear in front of him. he will disappear. a surge of panic hits ryo, and all he wants to do is go back. please let them go back. please let them do this over. please, please--
but they can't. he can feel water forming at his eyes and, this time, he isn't as confused about what they are. ]
Just tell me to live. Please. Just demand it, Akira.
[ like ryo demanded so many things of him until it became too much for akira to bear. ]
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He didn’t want to use his brain; he didn’t want to rationalize this sick and strange love in those boxes because he knew—he knows—Ryo isn’t human. That’s what he said every time. Ryo isn’t human! Ryo is not like them, or him! But they told him Ryo was wrong. They told him to live for himself, to not support someone else’s happiness like it was his own responsibility.
It feels ugly to force Ryo to live when Ryo is unhappy.
He tightens his hold, letting Ryo latch into him. The tears he had been crying earlier have stopped, dried up. They hadn’t been for him anyway. They never were.]
Live, Ryo, [he murmurs, being selfish for once and feeling guilty for it.] Please live. Keep living. For me.
I don’t want you to disappear. I don’t want you to go. I don’t want you to be how I left you on that rock. Alone.
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a part of him had been hoping akira would have told him not to do it as soon as ryo brought it up. it was just another way to self-harm, he supposes, because akira has given up on arguing with him a long time ago. which is also ryo's fault for never budging.
he holds onto akira more tightly and sobs. ]
I won't. I'm sorry, I won't. [ his voice cracks ] Please be happy.
[ he tries to think if he ever gave akira that, at least. any small measure of happiness and he isn't sure, actually. it just makes him cry harder. ]
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It hurts him so badly. He wanted all of this so long ago, so much sooner. To know Ryo felt anything, to hear Ryo was sorry, to hear Ryo wanted him to be happy in a way that didn’t seem superficial. He wished he had known how real it actually was for Ryo sooner.
His arms encase Ryo tightly, and he curls Ryo up into his chest as he stands. He holds Ryo in his hands and arms while Ryo cries.
The emotions evaporate, and his body begins to change again: shrinking, losing the fur and claws and fangs, the wings. Until he is just Akira, still holding on, still supporting Ryo before the weight is a little much, and he sinks to the ground with them both.]
Thank you for always being with me, Ryo. Even when it seems like too much.
I never thanked you for all the things you did do for me.
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he doesn't react to the transformation, instead just shifting his hold so that it adapts to holding onto akira instead of devilman. he wonders how akira can do this all the time, crying. he doesn't think that he will be able to do this any more after this. but he probably won't have another reason to.
ryo doesn't respond right away, and only does after the tears subsides enough that his voice is less shaky. ]
You don't have to thank me for that.
[ where else would he be? ]
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[He gently squeezes Ryo into him, something that is a pathetic attempt to be reassuring. Without shifting them, he reaches one hand back to put it on the side of Ryo's face, and he uses his thumb to try brushing the wetness off the cheek.]
I should have thanked you more, so you'd maybe understand. [How to be gracious and appreciative.] I should have reached for you more. I shouldn't have given up on trying.
[So he could show Ryo the kindness and strength of humans he touted about. So he wouldn't be yet another line in the tally of humans betraying things not human.]
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[ understatement of the century.
it's funny, sitting here at the end of it all and just thinking back at everything and trying to figure out what could have been done differently. there's a lot, but he has no idea that all of akira's friends were telling him that ryo was awful, and that probably added a time limit for change that would not have been there before.
he goes quiet for a moment. ]
You were the best friend anyone could have, Akira.
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[So many people told him Ryo was awful which was both a hard pill to swallow and mean. He really didn't think they understood the difference, but he also couldn't deny some of Ryo's bad behaviors, some of the things they found out Ryo had done to him.]
I've been your only best friend, Ryo.
[Now isn't the time for any teasing, but it's slightly teasing. In a lot of things, Ryo had been his only frame of reference which was very funny. Now he has been Ryo's only frame of reference too.]
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That doesn't make it any less true.
[ mostly because if akira had never found ryo that day, ryo would probably be a far worse person than he is now. imagine a world where ryo asuka never learned what love is but was still satan.
his tears are drying up. he doesn't really have much of them, anyway. ]
I think... [ he pauses, trying to think of what to say. ] Do you know why I brought you to the Sabbath party?
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To... have Amon possess me?
[It's funny, the reason he knows this isn't because he found out here. He still would have had no idea. But Ryo did tell him, as Satan, a reason it was done.]
...So I would survive the end of the world and be at your side.
[And now he has immense doubts about existing alongside normal people like Kaoru and Hikaru. Ryo has cursed him with a kind of immortality; taking it away would remove his strength, his body. He'd be the old Akira.
And the funny thing about the old Akira is Kaoru would have probably never paid any attention to him at first because of how he looked. But Ryo didn't care about things like that.]
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[ there are a lot of things that have never been clarified between them, and the mountain of misunderstandings and secrets might now never have a chance of becoming smaller. all the things that they said they would discuss later, and now here they are. it's later. it's as late as it ever will be.
but, ryo figures, there's one thing he can maybe try to clarify. ]
I didn't take you there with the intention to do that. Well-- I suppose I did. Me, as Satan. It was like a subconscious desire that I wasn't really aware was happening, until I looked back at it later on with some distance. So, I guess I just want to say that... I wasn't intentionally trying to trick you, Akira.
[ like. it was still his plan, but he was not aware it was his plan because sometimes your inner satan has ideas of their own that you are too amnesia'd to be aware of.
but since this is what started everything between them, the first step they took on the road to hell, ryo decides he want to explain. ]
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[He would not have understood that if he was not from the place in time he came, after Ryo had explained things to him. If Ryo had not explained he didn't remember.] It's okay, [he murmurs. It should not be okay. He should really not accept this; however, out of anyone else, he is the one who understands how victimized Ryo has been by fate.]
I forgive you, Ryo.
[He probably should not do this either considering, but... again, he is the one person who knows about Ryo. Who is... empathetic enough to offer that maybe.]
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[ he is not really expecting forgiveness. but these are just thing they never talk about, and now they're likely never going to get to talk about them.
and, mostly, he wants to stall. once akira leaves that's likely it for them (ignores interdimensional travel). but there's only really so long they can sit here before akira will have to go and do something else. ]
I just wanted to say it.
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[He does not say he has to because it's true, he does not have to forgive Ryo. But it feels like he is being held captive by his anger and frustration when, really, none of it matters for him anymore.
He leans back so he can look Ryo in the face even if he doesn't want to do that since it will make it harder to do any of this. His arms stay around Ryo's shoulders.]
Thanks for saying it.
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Mm.
[ he still doesn't know what else to say. there's the growing need to be possessive and never let go, but he doesn't want to make akira mad. again. it's weird, since not wanting to upset akira is a generally new thing that concerns him when ryo as a person typically does not care who he upsets. things to have learned weeks ago. ]
... do you have to go?
[ he means, to go talk to other people, specifically ]
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He opens his mouth, then closes it. He knows he should probably just leave, and he knows he thought this whole ordeal was because Ryo was wanting him to hurry up and say goodbye.]
I can stay for a little while. I thought... you wanted me to say goodbye and leave.
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[ he didn't mean right that second, which is why he panicked when akira immediately started to leave. this is so stupid. all of their problems is because they misunderstand each other every other thread. ]
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[ALL. Of their problems. ARE BECAUSE THEY MISUNDERSTAND EACH OTHER EVERY TIME. His hands lower to his lap again.]
Sorry.
[He really made them have this dramatic display for no reason right now.]
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i'm sorry he just starts laughing. this is so stupid. ]
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Ryo. I didn't know...! I thought you were mad and wanted it over with...
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