but he sighs, and goes to remove the jacket first. his right wrist is wrapped in a bandage, but he ignores that and goes to unbutton his shirt. a different shirt that akira did not rip apart a few days earlier (that really was a couple of days ago, wow)
the bandages on his shoulder is... it could be done better, but it's what you would expect when it's in an awkward position to use both hands. ]
[STOP, DON'T BRING THAT UP. Will say he gets a tiny bit tense for a second when Ryo starts undressing, like he thinks boobs are definitely waiting on him. He has PTSD.
But he looks at what Ryo is giving him and decides that is not good. Gently, he sighs, then scoots closer to that shoulder so he can try to unwind them a bit and straighten them out.]
[ ryo watches him quietly, staying still as akira readjusts the wrapping.
his free hand eventually reaches out to touch the side of akira's face. ]
I love you, you know.
[ yes he knows. but ryo doesn't think he has actually said the words. and there's something about what happened today, in the narration, that makes him want to say it. ]
ryo has learned something. he has been so very convinced that love doesn't exist, and that everyone who spoke of it were just confusing their bodily desires for something deeper. but he has realized that he was wrong, actually.
[ he wonders if akira would have asked this to anyone else who might have confessed. except he knows the answer to that already. ]
One day, a child reached out to me and told me that I would be okay. And he kept telling me this, no matter how many other people thought I was scary or weird, and then he cried when I left him. When we finally reunited, he jumped into my arms.
[ he turns his head to look towards the horizon. ]
[He thinks he may be understanding the difference. Possibly. He makes sure the end of the bandage is secure, and then he pulls away. Using his hands, he turns to sit parallel with Ryo, so they both can look toward the horizon.]
When you love someone, you don't ever hurt them, Ryo.
[He doesn't say this accusingly, but more like someone talking to a child. Not condescendingly, just explaining. Simple.]
Even when you do other things for yourself, you always think about whether it would hurt the person you care about the most. There's exceptions, but... usually, you always try to not hurt them.
And then if you ever do, you apologize and make sure you don't do it again.
he doesn't respond, instead focusing on rebuttoning his shirt up. ryo reaches for his jacket and slips it back on, a protective barrier around himself. ]
You don't think it's love, then?
[ he says it neutrally enough.
it would be a simple enough thing, to just apologize right now, but there's something so fake about only doing it after you've been told to. when it never even really crossed your mind before. ]
He draws his legs up and holds his knees with his arms.] No. I think it's love. [He'll be honest about it, at least.]
It's... just a different love. There are different kinds of love. [Hmm. He peers at Ryo.] When you think about how you feel... about me, where do you feel it?
He looks surprised by the question, and he draws his hand back not because it’s true and he remembered, but because he wonders if Ryo doesn’t want him to touch him.]
I don’t really have the time or the energy to waste on hating you when we’re both dead and in hell. I should. But… I can’t.
Careful of Ryo's injuries, he pulls Ryo up so they're both standing. For a moment, he keeps a hold of Ryo's hands, and he looks at Ryo's face. His smile is tight and sad, small. The smile you have when you have to say goodbye to someone.]
Is this because of what you heard my voice say today?
[He should be more irritated it took wild execution voices to get through to Ryo a little, but he isn't.
He lets Ryo's hands go, then lifts his arms to wrap them around Ryo's neck and shoulders. (Carefully.) He hugs Ryo to himself, leaning the side of his head against Ryo's own.]
You were my best friend. I cried when you left because I could feel how lonely you were, and I didn't want my best friend to be lonely or sad, and I didn't want him to leave. And when you came back, I threw myself at you because I was happy to see my best friend again.
You were always so smart, and you were good-looking, and you could always do anything. You always knew everything, even when I didn't. You weren't ever afraid of anything. You didn't cry about everything. I trusted you, more than anyone, more than myself.
I want you to know because... when you go back, I want you to remember what I'm telling you. Okay? I can't fix it for me. I can't fix it because it isn't me. It's you, Ryo. It's always been you.
[ to be fair, if the weekly effect wasn't a thing it probably would have gotten through to him less.
he furrows his brow, trying to make sense of what akira is saying. even when it isn't quite hitting him, though, he still moves to hug akira back-- almost like a reflex, at this point. the need to hold onto him since their first meeting. ]
[This figures. He really shouldn't be surprised anymore, yet here he is, surprised that Ryo doesn't understand. He leans back a little, enough to allow him to drop his forehead against Ryo's own.]
I told you already. You can't have me and the demons. If you want the demons, you'll always have to kill me. If you want me, you won't be able to have the demons. I'm sorry, Ryo. I'm not trying to make you choose.
You're going to have to decide what you want more when you go back. No matter what I do when I go back, demons will always be there because you're there. Because nothing I say can stop you from trying to help them, no matter how far back I go. If I don't become Devilman, they'll kill me with everyone else. If I become Devilman, I'll always side with the humans. If I never become your friend, it won't matter. You'll find the demons on your own.
[ there's a long silence, as he thinks over the words. the idea of akira considering just not becoming ryo's friend is alarming in a way that he has not considered. ]
You know, no matter what I do, I am pretty sure that God would still find a way to screw me over.
[ he thinks back to the execution, and how every time ryo has found something okay, god would show up to destroy it. ]
Let's say we go with your plan to make different worlds for them. I'm sure God will just go to the demon one and destroy it.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Let me see. [Plucking at the clothes.] Are you hurting?
[WHY DOES HE CARE SO MUCH!!!! He just can't stop giving a shit, baby.]
no subject
but he sighs, and goes to remove the jacket first. his right wrist is wrapped in a bandage, but he ignores that and goes to unbutton his shirt. a different shirt that akira did not rip apart a few days earlier (that really was a couple of days ago, wow)
the bandages on his shoulder is... it could be done better, but it's what you would expect when it's in an awkward position to use both hands. ]
I took painkillers.
no subject
[STOP, DON'T BRING THAT UP. Will say he gets a tiny bit tense for a second when Ryo starts undressing, like he thinks boobs are definitely waiting on him. He has PTSD.
But he looks at what Ryo is giving him and decides that is not good. Gently, he sighs, then scoots closer to that shoulder so he can try to unwind them a bit and straighten them out.]
no subject
his free hand eventually reaches out to touch the side of akira's face. ]
I love you, you know.
[ yes he knows. but ryo doesn't think he has actually said the words. and there's something about what happened today, in the narration, that makes him want to say it. ]
no subject
It's tight, frozen, then very slowly and lightly subdued.]
Do you know what that means, Ryo? Love.
[Yes, he knows. (That's what haunts him actually.) He's just never heard them from Ryo before.]
no subject
[ he lets his hand drop, falling to his lap.
ryo has learned something. he has been so very convinced that love doesn't exist, and that everyone who spoke of it were just confusing their bodily desires for something deeper. but he has realized that he was wrong, actually.
it's simply not something meant for him. ]
I don't know what else I can call this.
no subject
Then, carefully, he goes back to adjusting the bandages on the shoulder.]
Why do you love me then?
no subject
One day, a child reached out to me and told me that I would be okay. And he kept telling me this, no matter how many other people thought I was scary or weird, and then he cried when I left him. When we finally reunited, he jumped into my arms.
[ he turns his head to look towards the horizon. ]
You're my best friend. Only friend.
no subject
When you love someone, you don't ever hurt them, Ryo.
[He doesn't say this accusingly, but more like someone talking to a child. Not condescendingly, just explaining. Simple.]
Even when you do other things for yourself, you always think about whether it would hurt the person you care about the most. There's exceptions, but... usually, you always try to not hurt them.
And then if you ever do, you apologize and make sure you don't do it again.
no subject
he doesn't respond, instead focusing on rebuttoning his shirt up. ryo reaches for his jacket and slips it back on, a protective barrier around himself. ]
You don't think it's love, then?
[ he says it neutrally enough.
it would be a simple enough thing, to just apologize right now, but there's something so fake about only doing it after you've been told to. when it never even really crossed your mind before. ]
no subject
He draws his legs up and holds his knees with his arms.] No. I think it's love. [He'll be honest about it, at least.]
It's... just a different love. There are different kinds of love. [Hmm. He peers at Ryo.] When you think about how you feel... about me, where do you feel it?
no subject
[ his gaze shift downwards, and his hand moves to grip at his chest briefly, before he drops it again.
maybe they should talk about something else, actually. he's beginning to regret bringing it up. ]
What do you think it is? What kind of love is it?
no subject
If it's there, that's where it's supposed to be, Ryo.
[He puts Ryo's hand back over his chest.]
That's where the love is supposed to be. Your heart.
no subject
he doesn't pull his hand away, but he does tense for a second at the contact. ]
Do you still hate me?
no subject
He looks surprised by the question, and he draws his hand back not because it’s true and he remembered, but because he wonders if Ryo doesn’t want him to touch him.]
I don’t really have the time or the energy to waste on hating you when we’re both dead and in hell. I should. But… I can’t.
…I do miss being friends.
no subject
Would you be my friend again?
[ very funny when the feeling of friendship isn't mutual. ]
no subject
But we can’t go back now, just forward.
[He shifts, climbing to his feet, but he holds both hands out for Ryo.]
Come here.
no subject
but at least, he'll reach out and take akira's offered hands. ]
When you said that the first time, I wasn't sure if you actually meant it or not. Wanting to keep trying.
no subject
Careful of Ryo's injuries, he pulls Ryo up so they're both standing. For a moment, he keeps a hold of Ryo's hands, and he looks at Ryo's face. His smile is tight and sad, small. The smile you have when you have to say goodbye to someone.]
Is this because of what you heard my voice say today?
[Everything else, too. But also the last bit.]
no subject
It was pretty apt, I think. I think I preferred when they just spat out quotes.
[ he would have cared less if that was the case. ]
no subject
He lets Ryo's hands go, then lifts his arms to wrap them around Ryo's neck and shoulders. (Carefully.) He hugs Ryo to himself, leaning the side of his head against Ryo's own.]
You were my best friend. I cried when you left because I could feel how lonely you were, and I didn't want my best friend to be lonely or sad, and I didn't want him to leave. And when you came back, I threw myself at you because I was happy to see my best friend again.
You were always so smart, and you were good-looking, and you could always do anything. You always knew everything, even when I didn't. You weren't ever afraid of anything. You didn't cry about everything. I trusted you, more than anyone, more than myself.
I want you to know because... when you go back, I want you to remember what I'm telling you. Okay? I can't fix it for me. I can't fix it because it isn't me. It's you, Ryo. It's always been you.
no subject
he furrows his brow, trying to make sense of what akira is saying. even when it isn't quite hitting him, though, he still moves to hug akira back-- almost like a reflex, at this point. the need to hold onto him since their first meeting. ]
I don't understand.
[ he sounds annoyed by this admittance. ]
no subject
I told you already. You can't have me and the demons. If you want the demons, you'll always have to kill me. If you want me, you won't be able to have the demons. I'm sorry, Ryo. I'm not trying to make you choose.
You're going to have to decide what you want more when you go back. No matter what I do when I go back, demons will always be there because you're there. Because nothing I say can stop you from trying to help them, no matter how far back I go. If I don't become Devilman, they'll kill me with everyone else. If I become Devilman, I'll always side with the humans. If I never become your friend, it won't matter. You'll find the demons on your own.
no subject
You know, no matter what I do, I am pretty sure that God would still find a way to screw me over.
[ he thinks back to the execution, and how every time ryo has found something okay, god would show up to destroy it. ]
Let's say we go with your plan to make different worlds for them. I'm sure God will just go to the demon one and destroy it.
no subject
He is quiet for a long moment or two, thoughtful.]
...If you kill God, neither of us would exist.
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)