[Ryo is right, and he knows Ryo is right, but he hates not accepting some of the blame when he voted the way he did. When he's been voting for the people they find all along because he's too worried about voting for someone else.
And this was maybe why, even if they all had assumed.]
I wish I could be like you, Ryo, [he says absently.] I'm tired of feeling everything.
[ there is a lot of things about akira that frustrates ryo so very terribly, but. he didn't press that button, all those weeks ago. ryo wouldn't want to ruin him so entirely that there's nothing of akira left. ]
What use is there for there being someone else like me?
I do need to make sure Itto doesn't actually steal my bed.
[ the chances of someone being shot is so high.
instead, he just looks at akira. ]
But I do want to say something before I do that. I've been thinking about the last thing you said to me the other day, and some of it was bullshit. You said I never touch or hold you, but I did. All the time. Just because someone else might do it more, doesn't mean I never did. And you said that killing God is the most important thing to me. You're wrong, and I know you'll never believe this, and I'll have to live with that. God terrifies me, Akira. I can't explain that kind of fear without you meeting God yourself.
[ the idea of making the ultimate being hate you so much and that the only way to end it is by killing god. such an impossible feat. ]
But then I was faced with something even more terrifying. It was the realization that you don't actually need me at all. [ it was very funny, since just a few days ago ryo very confidently said he was finally secure in what their relationship was. ] You'll be fine without me, even if you might be sad for a little while.
[ he takes a few steps back. ]
I suppose my point is, I can concede that my love isn't what you want. But never try to tell me that it is less than it is. Goodbye, Akira.
[Honestly, he looks like he's been slapped, and he sits there stupidly while Ryo rips into him. There is so much he wants to clarify here, but Ryo is already leaving.]
Ryo--
[He twists, scrambling to his feet. He only takes one hesitant step forward.]
[If he says anything else, he thinks... it might start another of their many arguments. If he tries to clarify the details, they'll just argue again, drifting further apart.
So instead, he says,] I do need you, Ryo, [in the most earnest way.]
I do need you! No one else understands what I am. No one else knows what it was like where we came from. You're the only one who really understands.
[He stands there for a second or two, not moving, still surprised Ryo has hugged him. Maybe a little concerned Ryo will suddenly change, will hurt him.
But when nothing happens, his arms lift to entwine Ryo’s form, to hug Ryo so tightly to himself. He presses the bottom half of his face into Ryo’s shoulder.
He does miss Ryo somehow, for some bizarre reason, after everything. It feels like he tore a piece of himself out, but there are still little pieces of the good left in the wound, not letting it heal.]
Don’t be scared, [he murmurs.] It’ll be okay. Don’t be afraid.
[ well, the return of the hug is also a surprise. ryo doesn't think akira even considers them friends at this point. and that's part of the problem, because no matter what they say to each other, something else happens that won't let that seed of doubt go away. instead, it festers more and more.
somehow this is more punishing than actual hell itself.
after a while, ryo will shift to remove himself from the embrace, stepping back. ]
Sorry.
[ for what? he does not elaborate what the apology is for. ]
[More tears have appeared to stream down his face when Ryo pulls back. He doesn’t seem surprised or bothered by them. He can feel Ryo hurting. He can feel Ryo crying.
His mouth opens slightly. Ryo apologized…? He doesn’t know why, only that Ryo has said sorry, and no matter what it’s for actually, he is desperate enough to cling to the fact he got one at all. Like it’s a beacon of change.
He reaches out to clutch the sleeve of Ryo’s coat.]
You’re my best friend, Ryo. I want you to be happy. More than anyone. I don’t want you to hurt anymore. I’m not going to leave you behind.
[ he is also not surprised by the tears, if anything he's a little exasperated by them. like, of course you'd end up crying. like clockwork! akira your heart is too big.
his gaze falls down onto akira's hand and stays there. ]
I did say our fates are intertwined.
[ even though he is less and less certain of what exactly that means anymore. maybe it's no longer about sharing the same fate, and something else. who knows. ]
You need to wash your face. You look ridiculous.
[ he's just going to. use the sleeve of his free arm to wipe at akira's face like he's a toddler. ]
[ wow he looks worse now. ryo doesn't comment on this because if he does not, it means it's not his fault. this is basically how he has lived his life actually now that i think about it.
he isn't sure if he believes no one else will see it simply because there's a chance he might cry again. ]
I guess not...
[ ryo falls quiet after. it's that lil awkward moment where you just had a(nother) very dramatic moment with someone, and aren't sure where to go from there. he's not trying to leave anymore, at least. ]
No one will see it right now. This one. Nevermind the other ones, okay.
He tugs the arm down by the sleeve, but still hangs onto it like a child. He uses his other forearm to rub over his face briefly. This is how they’ve always been, standing together while he cries, holding onto Ryo.]
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He glances down at his arm, then up at the sky again.]
We stole her chance from her. She won't get it.
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[ and he really doubts that was an accident. ]
But I guess just hearing that won't make you feel any differently about it.
[ apparently, guilt is an emotion that is hard to get rid of. ]
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And this was maybe why, even if they all had assumed.]
I wish I could be like you, Ryo, [he says absently.] I'm tired of feeling everything.
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[ he turns his gaze to the horizon. ]
You would hate being like me.
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[But this is all he says.]
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I wouldn't want you to be like me.
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Why not?
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[ there is a lot of things about akira that frustrates ryo so very terribly, but. he didn't press that button, all those weeks ago. ryo wouldn't want to ruin him so entirely that there's nothing of akira left. ]
What use is there for there being someone else like me?
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You wouldn't be alone? Maybe... if I'm you, then you could be me.
[Like, hypothetical fantasy here. If they switched.]
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[ help.
he goes to stand up. he's not like... leaving, but he does rock on his heels a bit. ]
I don't know. Maybe if that happens, things would be okay.
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[???
He sits up almost out of reflex, but then... that's as far as he goes. He watches Ryo.]
Are you leaving?
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[ the chances of someone being shot is so high.
instead, he just looks at akira. ]
But I do want to say something before I do that. I've been thinking about the last thing you said to me the other day, and some of it was bullshit. You said I never touch or hold you, but I did. All the time. Just because someone else might do it more, doesn't mean I never did. And you said that killing God is the most important thing to me. You're wrong, and I know you'll never believe this, and I'll have to live with that. God terrifies me, Akira. I can't explain that kind of fear without you meeting God yourself.
[ the idea of making the ultimate being hate you so much and that the only way to end it is by killing god. such an impossible feat. ]
But then I was faced with something even more terrifying. It was the realization that you don't actually need me at all. [ it was very funny, since just a few days ago ryo very confidently said he was finally secure in what their relationship was. ] You'll be fine without me, even if you might be sad for a little while.
[ he takes a few steps back. ]
I suppose my point is, I can concede that my love isn't what you want. But never try to tell me that it is less than it is. Goodbye, Akira.
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Ryo--
[He twists, scrambling to his feet. He only takes one hesitant step forward.]
Ryo, wait!
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unfortunately, he still does. ryo doesn't look back, but he hovers uncertainly in place. ]
Hm?
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So instead, he says,] I do need you, Ryo, [in the most earnest way.]
I do need you! No one else understands what I am. No one else knows what it was like where we came from. You're the only one who really understands.
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ryo rubs at his face, tired. ]
Okay. I need you, too.
[ sometimes you need someone so much that your ultimate punishment is simply losing them again and again. ]
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Do you hate me, Ryo?
[He is very confident in his idea that Ryo now despises him for what he has done and said.]
Do you not…
[But he doesn’t finish.]
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at the question, though, ryo just sighs deeply, like he can't believe akira said that. he turns around, sharply, and walks back over. ]
Are you listening to me, Akira? I can never hate you.
[ he can hate the people around him, and choices he makes, and what they've become.
when he gets to akira, he hugs him, tightly. he buries his face in his shoulder. ]
I just don't know what we are anymore.
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[He stands there for a second or two, not moving, still surprised Ryo has hugged him. Maybe a little concerned Ryo will suddenly change, will hurt him.
But when nothing happens, his arms lift to entwine Ryo’s form, to hug Ryo so tightly to himself. He presses the bottom half of his face into Ryo’s shoulder.
He does miss Ryo somehow, for some bizarre reason, after everything. It feels like he tore a piece of himself out, but there are still little pieces of the good left in the wound, not letting it heal.]
Don’t be scared, [he murmurs.] It’ll be okay. Don’t be afraid.
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somehow this is more punishing than actual hell itself.
after a while, ryo will shift to remove himself from the embrace, stepping back. ]
Sorry.
[ for what? he does not elaborate what the apology is for. ]
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His mouth opens slightly. Ryo apologized…? He doesn’t know why, only that Ryo has said sorry, and no matter what it’s for actually, he is desperate enough to cling to the fact he got one at all. Like it’s a beacon of change.
He reaches out to clutch the sleeve of Ryo’s coat.]
You’re my best friend, Ryo. I want you to be happy. More than anyone. I don’t want you to hurt anymore. I’m not going to leave you behind.
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his gaze falls down onto akira's hand and stays there. ]
I did say our fates are intertwined.
[ even though he is less and less certain of what exactly that means anymore. maybe it's no longer about sharing the same fate, and something else. who knows. ]
You need to wash your face. You look ridiculous.
[ he's just going to. use the sleeve of his free arm to wipe at akira's face like he's a toddler. ]
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The fingers loosen in the coat and instead clutch onto the wiping sleeve without pulling it away. Thank you for smearing his tears around.]
I’ll wash it later. No one is seeing it anyway.
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he isn't sure if he believes no one else will see it simply because there's a chance he might cry again. ]
I guess not...
[ ryo falls quiet after. it's that lil awkward moment where you just had a(nother) very dramatic moment with someone, and aren't sure where to go from there. he's not trying to leave anymore, at least. ]
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No one will see it right now. This one. Nevermind the other ones, okay.
He tugs the arm down by the sleeve, but still hangs onto it like a child. He uses his other forearm to rub over his face briefly. This is how they’ve always been, standing together while he cries, holding onto Ryo.]
Sorry, Ryo.
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