[ he just stares at him. ryo was the one who suggested doing it tonight, but he wasn't really prepared to do it now. he opens his mouth, and closes it, still just staring. ]
[Ryo had been so adamant and so hopeless, he just assumed Ryo wanted to get it over with as fast as possible. So many of their problems come from miscommunication.
He isn't sure what else to say exactly.]
You are my best friend. I'll miss you, and I won't forget you.
[ wow he really should have just quietly fucked off. ryo prefers to think things through logically and clearly, without letting emotions get involved in the decisions.
but it's one thing to say something and then another thing altogether to go and do it. he's realizing he is not ready at all, actually. ]
[There is probably never a doomed timeline where they are not best friends. For all of it, for some of it. He doesn't try to change Ryo's mind anymore, like before. That God might not do anything somewhere else, that it's still worth it to exist, that maybe he could have his own island in the middle of nowhere and not have to deal with anything but visits from him.
But he understands, in his weird empathetic way. That Ryo is hurting, that it'd hurt Ryo.
He is so reluctant to turn away, but when he finally does, it's very quick because the tears spill over. The emotion rolls through him like the wave off a tsunami, and his body starts twisting and changing under it. His wail turns into a forlorn growl as he takes the first few steps over the dock.]
why does this hurt so much? it's even worse than before. every time ryo thinks it it can't hurt more, the ache just grows into something all consuming. he claws at his chest, wishing that he could just tear this thing out.
he hears the sound of akira's cries, and of his transformation. it's only when he hearts actual footsteps that he turns around again, a little wildly. he drops the jacket. ]
[It's a struggle to get down the dock. He clutches his head the whole way, swaying unsteadily as he goes, his clawed feet leaving scratches behind. The tail drags along on the ground. He thinks if he doesn't look back, he won't get turned to stone. That Ryo will hurt a little less.
Except there is not really a mean bone in his body. When they had fought, he was stubborn and without any of the hope he had before. It was the only option he thought he had.
At the end of the dock, he stops. The wings fold behind his shoulders. He turns to look back at Ryo, face as disastrous as expected.]
ryo scrambles to his feet, more clumsily than he'd like but this entire day hasn't gone the way he'd like. the entire eight weeks haven't. it's only really been disappointment after disappointment, and it doesn't really seem like it will ever end.
is this punishment? is it god reaching even here, to tell him that all is forever doomed?
he's on his feet. he hesitates now, unsure, but ryo eventually takes a few steps forward before stopping. ]
[He just looks at Ryo, wondering if maybe he should keep going. In a way, everything seems to stack up for him being the problem. Somehow, he is always the one causing Ryo a lot of grief, he thinks.]
I can’t.
[He really expected this to go differently. Like, maybe they would hug, and say kind things, and come to an understanding. When has that ever been a thing for them.]
[ he really should have just let akira leave because he doesn't know what to do here. there is so much distance that it's unbearable, and it's not even just the physical kind. ]
I wanted to be with you. [ not in sixty years when there's no one else left, or on short visits. ] I love you.
[ as a friend, as a lover, as something a little more twisted and codependent. it's not the first time ryo has said this to him but it seems like it'll probably be the last. he can't really bring himself to move forward in fear that he won't ever actually reach him. ]
[He stands there with the tears pouring over; it doesn’t feel like they’re going to stop. The jagged edge of whatever is coming into him is so painful and raw, amplified over his own terrible feelings.
Ryo doesn’t move, and the lack of it feels like every other time he has wanted the confirmation there was a reason to move for him. The whole discord of trying to use his brain instead of his heart to look at how Ryo was as a person, trying to offer Ryo the baton for it to fall onto the ground.
Maybe that was his downfall. He didn’t do what he said. He didn’t listen to his heart about Ryo at first.
How did they get here? he wonders. What did he do wrong to get them here at this agonizing place when he has only ever told anyone else he wanted Ryo to be happy, and then they told him he should be happy too.]
I’m where you put me, Ryo.
[It isn’t a blame exactly, just a statement. He is here at the end if the dock because Ryo kept closing him off again and again in some unintentional way.]
I kept trying to reach you, and you would step back more and more. [Ryo wanted him to follow, but he wanted Ryo to meet him halfway.] I waited on you… I waited for you to give me back what I gave you, but I never saw it.
[ he wants to argue against it. it's what they usually do, argue against each other's viewpoints until they hit a wall and decide to push it to another time. and they kept doing it again and again, and ryo realizes that they've only just pushed themselves to the edge of a cliff.
he wishes god was here to just end it. ]
I... [ how does he respond to that? his mouth closes again, as he struggles to find any kind of rebuttal, any last saving grace he might have here. but there's nothing. ] Akira--
[ "and i doubt he'd go anywhere without you."
but he is. not just physically, to a faraway place, but on the inside too. ryo has been so stuck in one spot, too stubborn to move and scared of all the changes around them. but akira changed and changed, because he's a human and that's what they do-- grow along with the people around them. that's what humanity is. a collective of experiences that help you turn into something new.
it's a little dazzling to see. it only destroys ryo a little more. ]
I tried. It just wasn't enough.
[ he looks to the ground. there was growth, such very confusing growth, but he wasn't able to catch up. you can't run along someone if they're already at the finish line by the time you start moving. ]
[He turns away, but doesn’t move forward. The idea that Ryo doesn’t want to see him tomorrow, which lead to this whole terrible thing now, roots him to the spot. It’s the end.
They’re together on a broken piece of nothing left under the stars, and it’s the end.
He’s human enough to just finally accept the fact Ryo didn’t come to him, but he is too human to not do what it is in his nature to do. To care about people.
The claws of his feet creak the dock as he turns and heads back to Ryo, slow and steady. When he gets to Ryo, he dwarfs him considerably, so he crouches down in front. Ryo’s shoulders are swallowed up in two large, clawed hands, and he pulls Ryo into his stomach and his chest. If he wanted, he could snap Ryo like a branch so easily, but his hold is so tender.]
If you can find a reason to keep existing so I’ll always know you aren’t gone from my heart for good, I’ll be happy.
[ he's a little stunned that akira came back. but of course he did. he's akira.
ryo holds onto him, but his grip isn't soft. he digs in as tightly as he can, like he's scared that if he loosens it even a little that akira will simply disappear in front of him. he will disappear. a surge of panic hits ryo, and all he wants to do is go back. please let them go back. please let them do this over. please, please--
but they can't. he can feel water forming at his eyes and, this time, he isn't as confused about what they are. ]
Just tell me to live. Please. Just demand it, Akira.
[ like ryo demanded so many things of him until it became too much for akira to bear. ]
[It feels wrong, so he hesitates. It feels wrong to do such a thing to Ryo after he spent so much time here hearing from everyone else it was wrong. All the people who inadvertently slid the wedge between them, pointing out Ryo’s bad qualities when he struggled against how much his heart wanted to love Ryo.
He didn’t want to use his brain; he didn’t want to rationalize this sick and strange love in those boxes because he knew—he knows—Ryo isn’t human. That’s what he said every time. Ryo isn’t human! Ryo is not like them, or him! But they told him Ryo was wrong. They told him to live for himself, to not support someone else’s happiness like it was his own responsibility.
It feels ugly to force Ryo to live when Ryo is unhappy.
He tightens his hold, letting Ryo latch into him. The tears he had been crying earlier have stopped, dried up. They hadn’t been for him anyway. They never were.]
Live, Ryo, [he murmurs, being selfish for once and feeling guilty for it.] Please live. Keep living. For me.
I don’t want you to disappear. I don’t want you to go. I don’t want you to be how I left you on that rock. Alone.
[ akira might feel bad about it but it is, really, what ryo wants. he spent weeks unsure if akira hated him; and then a brief period where he thought that maybe he loved him back in the way he wanted, and then he never really felt sure about anything ever since.
a part of him had been hoping akira would have told him not to do it as soon as ryo brought it up. it was just another way to self-harm, he supposes, because akira has given up on arguing with him a long time ago. which is also ryo's fault for never budging.
he holds onto akira more tightly and sobs. ]
I won't. I'm sorry, I won't. [ his voice cracks ] Please be happy.
[ he tries to think if he ever gave akira that, at least. any small measure of happiness and he isn't sure, actually. it just makes him cry harder. ]
[Every sliver of frustration and anger drains out of him immediately. He doesn’t think… Ryo has ever said these words to him. Sorry. He doesn’t think Ryo has ever told him sorry in a way like this.
It hurts him so badly. He wanted all of this so long ago, so much sooner. To know Ryo felt anything, to hear Ryo was sorry, to hear Ryo wanted him to be happy in a way that didn’t seem superficial. He wished he had known how real it actually was for Ryo sooner.
His arms encase Ryo tightly, and he curls Ryo up into his chest as he stands. He holds Ryo in his hands and arms while Ryo cries.
The emotions evaporate, and his body begins to change again: shrinking, losing the fur and claws and fangs, the wings. Until he is just Akira, still holding on, still supporting Ryo before the weight is a little much, and he sinks to the ground with them both.]
Thank you for always being with me, Ryo. Even when it seems like too much.
I never thanked you for all the things you did do for me.
[ ryo wonders why akira is thanking him for giving him trauma....
he doesn't react to the transformation, instead just shifting his hold so that it adapts to holding onto akira instead of devilman. he wonders how akira can do this all the time, crying. he doesn't think that he will be able to do this any more after this. but he probably won't have another reason to.
ryo doesn't respond right away, and only does after the tears subsides enough that his voice is less shaky. ]
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[ other people are probably having normal, congratulatory conversations right now.
he sits up. ]
It would probably be for the best.
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I really don't want that for you, Ryo. I want you to exist. But... I can't force you.
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So. We should say goodbye, then.
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[It takes him some time, but he finally, slowly, sits up.]
Can't we do it tomorrow? Or... do you not want to see me tomorrow?
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[ truly the only thing stopping him from fucking off tonight is because he does want to at least stick around for the results. ]
And I don't know how soon you'll all have to leave.
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He removes the jacket and hands it to Ryo, not exactly concerned about being naked even if it's awkward. He keeps his eyes down.]
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ryo just looks up at him, waiting to see what exactly is he. doing. ]
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Goodbye then, Ryo.
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... goodbye?
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He isn't sure what else to say exactly.]
You are my best friend. I'll miss you, and I won't forget you.
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but it's one thing to say something and then another thing altogether to go and do it. he's realizing he is not ready at all, actually. ]
You are my best friend, too. [ ... ] Forever.
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[There is probably never a doomed timeline where they are not best friends. For all of it, for some of it. He doesn't try to change Ryo's mind anymore, like before. That God might not do anything somewhere else, that it's still worth it to exist, that maybe he could have his own island in the middle of nowhere and not have to deal with anything but visits from him.
But he understands, in his weird empathetic way. That Ryo is hurting, that it'd hurt Ryo.
He is so reluctant to turn away, but when he finally does, it's very quick because the tears spill over. The emotion rolls through him like the wave off a tsunami, and his body starts twisting and changing under it. His wail turns into a forlorn growl as he takes the first few steps over the dock.]
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why does this hurt so much? it's even worse than before. every time ryo thinks it it can't hurt more, the ache just grows into something all consuming. he claws at his chest, wishing that he could just tear this thing out.
he hears the sound of akira's cries, and of his transformation. it's only when he hearts actual footsteps that he turns around again, a little wildly. he drops the jacket. ]
A...
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Except there is not really a mean bone in his body. When they had fought, he was stubborn and without any of the hope he had before. It was the only option he thought he had.
At the end of the dock, he stops. The wings fold behind his shoulders. He turns to look back at Ryo, face as disastrous as expected.]
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ryo scrambles to his feet, more clumsily than he'd like but this entire day hasn't gone the way he'd like. the entire eight weeks haven't. it's only really been disappointment after disappointment, and it doesn't really seem like it will ever end.
is this punishment? is it god reaching even here, to tell him that all is forever doomed?
he's on his feet. he hesitates now, unsure, but ryo eventually takes a few steps forward before stopping. ]
Stop crying.
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I can’t.
[He really expected this to go differently. Like, maybe they would hug, and say kind things, and come to an understanding. When has that ever been a thing for them.]
I’m not the one crying.
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I wanted to be with you. [ not in sixty years when there's no one else left, or on short visits. ] I love you.
[ as a friend, as a lover, as something a little more twisted and codependent. it's not the first time ryo has said this to him but it seems like it'll probably be the last. he can't really bring himself to move forward in fear that he won't ever actually reach him. ]
You're so far away, Akira.
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Ryo doesn’t move, and the lack of it feels like every other time he has wanted the confirmation there was a reason to move for him. The whole discord of trying to use his brain instead of his heart to look at how Ryo was as a person, trying to offer Ryo the baton for it to fall onto the ground.
Maybe that was his downfall. He didn’t do what he said. He didn’t listen to his heart about Ryo at first.
How did they get here? he wonders. What did he do wrong to get them here at this agonizing place when he has only ever told anyone else he wanted Ryo to be happy, and then they told him he should be happy too.]
I’m where you put me, Ryo.
[It isn’t a blame exactly, just a statement. He is here at the end if the dock because Ryo kept closing him off again and again in some unintentional way.]
I kept trying to reach you, and you would step back more and more. [Ryo wanted him to follow, but he wanted Ryo to meet him halfway.] I waited on you… I waited for you to give me back what I gave you, but I never saw it.
You were always so far away from me, Ryo.
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he wishes god was here to just end it. ]
I... [ how does he respond to that? his mouth closes again, as he struggles to find any kind of rebuttal, any last saving grace he might have here. but there's nothing. ] Akira--
[ "and i doubt he'd go anywhere without you."
but he is. not just physically, to a faraway place, but on the inside too. ryo has been so stuck in one spot, too stubborn to move and scared of all the changes around them. but akira changed and changed, because he's a human and that's what they do-- grow along with the people around them. that's what humanity is. a collective of experiences that help you turn into something new.
it's a little dazzling to see. it only destroys ryo a little more. ]
I tried. It just wasn't enough.
[ he looks to the ground. there was growth, such very confusing growth, but he wasn't able to catch up. you can't run along someone if they're already at the finish line by the time you start moving. ]
I hope you'll be happy.
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They’re together on a broken piece of nothing left under the stars, and it’s the end.
He’s human enough to just finally accept the fact Ryo didn’t come to him, but he is too human to not do what it is in his nature to do. To care about people.
The claws of his feet creak the dock as he turns and heads back to Ryo, slow and steady. When he gets to Ryo, he dwarfs him considerably, so he crouches down in front. Ryo’s shoulders are swallowed up in two large, clawed hands, and he pulls Ryo into his stomach and his chest. If he wanted, he could snap Ryo like a branch so easily, but his hold is so tender.]
If you can find a reason to keep existing so I’ll always know you aren’t gone from my heart for good, I’ll be happy.
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ryo holds onto him, but his grip isn't soft. he digs in as tightly as he can, like he's scared that if he loosens it even a little that akira will simply disappear in front of him. he will disappear. a surge of panic hits ryo, and all he wants to do is go back. please let them go back. please let them do this over. please, please--
but they can't. he can feel water forming at his eyes and, this time, he isn't as confused about what they are. ]
Just tell me to live. Please. Just demand it, Akira.
[ like ryo demanded so many things of him until it became too much for akira to bear. ]
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He didn’t want to use his brain; he didn’t want to rationalize this sick and strange love in those boxes because he knew—he knows—Ryo isn’t human. That’s what he said every time. Ryo isn’t human! Ryo is not like them, or him! But they told him Ryo was wrong. They told him to live for himself, to not support someone else’s happiness like it was his own responsibility.
It feels ugly to force Ryo to live when Ryo is unhappy.
He tightens his hold, letting Ryo latch into him. The tears he had been crying earlier have stopped, dried up. They hadn’t been for him anyway. They never were.]
Live, Ryo, [he murmurs, being selfish for once and feeling guilty for it.] Please live. Keep living. For me.
I don’t want you to disappear. I don’t want you to go. I don’t want you to be how I left you on that rock. Alone.
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a part of him had been hoping akira would have told him not to do it as soon as ryo brought it up. it was just another way to self-harm, he supposes, because akira has given up on arguing with him a long time ago. which is also ryo's fault for never budging.
he holds onto akira more tightly and sobs. ]
I won't. I'm sorry, I won't. [ his voice cracks ] Please be happy.
[ he tries to think if he ever gave akira that, at least. any small measure of happiness and he isn't sure, actually. it just makes him cry harder. ]
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It hurts him so badly. He wanted all of this so long ago, so much sooner. To know Ryo felt anything, to hear Ryo was sorry, to hear Ryo wanted him to be happy in a way that didn’t seem superficial. He wished he had known how real it actually was for Ryo sooner.
His arms encase Ryo tightly, and he curls Ryo up into his chest as he stands. He holds Ryo in his hands and arms while Ryo cries.
The emotions evaporate, and his body begins to change again: shrinking, losing the fur and claws and fangs, the wings. Until he is just Akira, still holding on, still supporting Ryo before the weight is a little much, and he sinks to the ground with them both.]
Thank you for always being with me, Ryo. Even when it seems like too much.
I never thanked you for all the things you did do for me.
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he doesn't react to the transformation, instead just shifting his hold so that it adapts to holding onto akira instead of devilman. he wonders how akira can do this all the time, crying. he doesn't think that he will be able to do this any more after this. but he probably won't have another reason to.
ryo doesn't respond right away, and only does after the tears subsides enough that his voice is less shaky. ]
You don't have to thank me for that.
[ where else would he be? ]
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